Well, I have been silent for a few weeks. I don't always know what to say. "I'm struggling; This is fabulous; God this sucks; Look at how good I did; I miss so much" and on, and on... This experience is just that, quite the experience.
Since the surgery, I have struggled a lot with food. What I put in my mouth, and what will actually stay down. I think I have that more or less under control. At this point, the times I struggle/suffer/vomit usually result from me not doing something correctly. Ate too fast, didn't chew enough, ate the wrong foods. I have spent such a huge amount of the last six months thinking, planning and stressing about what goes into me. I thought I would be able to be less consumed by food with this surgery, but in the end it consumed me completely. It was everything. I was always thinking about food. What do I have for breakfast, can I eat that, I can't eat that, eat slower, chew more... oh god, I screwed up somehow and now I'm going to be sick! What will we have for dinner (I have young children who need to eat properly and get all their nutrition), I can't eat anything I used to for lunch, what do I do? And on, and on. Sigh.
But now, now I don't struggle as much. I know what foods I can eat. I know how to eat (if I don't always do it correctly).
Unbeknownst to me, for the last five years I have been slowly changing my habits and gearing myself up for this lifestyle change. At the same time, during the last few years, I've been building a system that would allow me to manage food and help with this whole process (I just needed something, at the time, to help me ensure I fed the kids good wholesome meals). Each month, I sit down with my calendar and write out dinners for the entire month; every day except for Fridays. That's 26 meals per month. I don't like repetition, so I have come up with roughly 20 meals I can eat over the month (meaning only 4-6 repeats a month). These meals have changed drastically since I started this whole process from beef and chicken with few vegetables to essentially a vegetarian diet with tons of fish and some ground meats; the concept,however, has remained the same. I know what I need for groceries based on the meals I will be making for the next two weeks. Everything is pre-thought out, preplanned. However, this month, when I was trying to make my meal plan for the month, I was in a bad place. Frustrated, tired of everything and suffering from a complete loss of desire and creativity to do the job. This resulted in a serious lack of. I'd say I managed to write down meals for about a third of the month. Eek! Take this weekend for instance, I had nothing written down, not a meal planned. In the old days, I would have simply ordered in, however that is not really an option for me anymore (seeing as how Aylmer does not have an Indian take out place). Clearly, I am in a better place today, than when I organized my meal plan for the month because I have been able to just look at what's in the fridge/freezer/cupboard and come up with dinners for the last two nights, no problem - like in the good old days.This tells me I am getting the hang of the new food I cook.
So what, you ask, is my problem? Well, it's a little thing called math. Yeah, that's right! I blame math!!! balance the equation my ass! So my weight is slowly going down, but not as quickly as I would like it. I head to the doctors and he tells me he is pleased with my progress. But I know there are a few things I could be doing better. Although let's be honest, when it comes to I don't know too many people who are eating better and smaller portions than me - well Kelly of course, but that's it! But back to the issue. How can I improve you ask (just pretend you ask, and don't offer too many unrequested suggestions ;) )? Well, cut WAY back on my chocolate intake and add exercise to the whole program.
You see, Easter wasn't that long ago and although I was VERY conservative on what I bought the children this year, there was still a lot of chocolate in the house. I can say no to almost everything, but NOT chocolate. So I may have been consuming some chocolate for the last little while. And then there was Imogene's birthday (2 birthday cakes needed eating), and before that was Guy's birthday (again, cake). So as you can see, I have been grazing on chocolate (in it's natural form and in the form of cake) for the past 3 months. I realize that that may slow down my weight loss progress, but I have been willing to take the "slow down" for now. But then I was no longer happy with the speed of my progress, so I do decide to reduce (let's be honest, I will never be able to give it up completely) my chocolate intake. Not only that, but I add in exercise to my daily routine (OMG!).
So if I may, recap is as follows: Have had major surgery, completely changed my lifestyle and eating habits which has resulted in a 55 lbs weight loss (roughly). To improve results, I have reduced my chocolate intake and added climbing 12 flights of stairs (office building flights of stairs) 1 to 2 times a day to the routine. Results? I gained 4-5 lbs and have been suffering from lower back pain. It's gotten so bad that it wakes me up during the night and I can barely move in the mornings, let alone climb stairs. I have been getting deep tissue therapy, heating my back every night, have exercises to help, blah, blah, blah.
Now the way it was explained to me (and maybe the problem is that I am just a little dense and therefor completely wrong in my understanding) was that weight loss equaled less back pain, more energy, better sleep, etc. Not exactly the results I have been getting. The math is off... whatever, I don't trust math.
I don't know if you understand what this weight gain did to me. I mean, it was my biggest fear come true! Even with weight loss surgery, I am still failing at weight loss. Really, really???? I don't know what else to do. I find I am dizzy way more frequently. I think it might be due to hunger, but the fact is that unless I am REALLY hungry (like skip a meal hungry) I don't feel hunger. Ok, it's time I stop. I am all over the place now.
Sooooo, why am I no longer completely bummed? I don't know. The reasons are probably just illusions. I find my clothes is a bit looser than it was. Is it, or am I dreaming? I just don't know. The scale isn't helping me is it? At least it is back down to being 1 pound off from my lowest weight loss. But it really is up and down and all over the place. I hate scales. Sigh, again. Oh, and Guy has hit another all time low. He has lost 33 lbs now (no weight loss surgery, no exercise, just a little food tweaking). I know men lose weight way easier then women, I don't even begrudge him it.I'm happy for him, he looks good and feels better. I just want to weigh less than him, and the more successful he is, the further away he gets from me. And my weight isn't moving at all!!! Agh!
As I said, hour of my discontent.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
This is not a diet...
it's a lifestyle change.
Ok, I have been slacking. Last Monday I went to the doctors and never posted. I think stuff happened during the week that I wanted to talk about... never posted. I took my pictures on the 4... never posted. ENOUGH!
Here we go. I am posting. As I eat a couple of M&Ms. Yum, yum, yum.
Shall we start at the beginning? And by beginning, I mean last Monday, when I went to see my doctor. It was a good visit over all. I love this whole "honesty" thing I am doing with him. Not to say I wasn't being honest before, I just wasn't being completely honest... all the time... mostly. So he asked how I was doing and I told him it was going well. We talked about blocking and I confessed that it happens occasionally, but it is usually the result of my errors. I screw up somehow and block and puke. C'est tout. He seemed fine with it as long as I could eat and that it wasn't every meal. I assured him that it wasn't. I asked about vitamin supplements and we talked about weight and weighing in on the scale. He told me that yes, I could take supplements, but I didn't need them like someone who had had gastric by-pass surgery. As he said, they have absorption problems and MUST have supplements. He did recommend that I try to get chewable vitamins and take them twice a day. Which I must say makes sense, what with the difficulties I experience with swallowing anything larger than a... M&M. We also discussed the whole "don't look at the numbers on the scale" thing again. I think he explained it in a way that made sense to me. He said that when someone experiences rapid weight loss (and that translate to the numbers on the scale going down), that person is losing 50% fat and 50% muscle mass. You don't want to lose muscle mass - it's what speeds up weight loss.. and well, muscles. You want to loose 100% fat. And often when you achieve that, your numbers on the scale don't truly reflect the weight loss, because as everyone knows... muscle weighs more than fat. So he took my measurement around my waist and informed me that I had lost 2 inches since last month. I'll accept that.
I enjoy going and talking to him. I asked if it was ok for me to keep coming and seeing him even though I wasn't getting adjustments, and he told me absolutely! He said it was good for me to be able to talk to someone who knew what I was going through... serious. He apparently has no idea how much support is lacking or he would be doing something about it, right?
As always, he then wrapped up our little tête-à-tête with his usual question. "What about exercise"? I told him that while I was off on Friday, my friend Kelly signed me up for the "stair club". In the email she actually said that "So is Moriah, just volunteered her and she is not here today to say no." And there you have it. So I have been climbing stairs for a week now. I think I am actually going to die. Like dead. I huff and I puff, and in a weeks time I went from doing 6 flights and dying to doing 12 flights 2 a day. See what I mean? Who the fuck wants to that once a day, let alone twice a day??? These people are sick. SICK! But I still go.
Oh yeah. The last thing I wanted to say is: I am NOT on a diet people! I am not "watching what I eat" till I lose the weight and then "fall off the wagon". It's not even physically possible for me to do sucha a thing. Consequently, I have completely changed the way I eat. I am changing the way I live. This isn't an all or nothing kind of experience. I just don't have a choice. It's and "all". I don't eat hamburgers and french fries - God knows I want to, but I cant. I eat vegetables - preferably cooked. And fish. Some ground meat. The end. Every once in a while I wallow in self pity. Missing my steak and burgers and, well, bread. The smell of toast can really make me... sad? no, more like nostalgic. But this is my life now. No starches, no red meat, no "other white meat", nothing but fish, veggies and the light at the end of the tunnel when I am wallowing... frozen yogurt and chocolate. And stairs. Lots of stairs. But let's be honest, I'm gonna have a GREAT ass! I better. That's a lot of stairs.
Later!
OMG, I almost posted without publishing the pics. I want you to know I don't think they do me justice. The clothes is to big, and hides the progress. But I will let you be the judge of that. Let me know. Should I change outfits and use something that fits?
Feb 5, 2011:
May 4, 2011:
Ok, I have been slacking. Last Monday I went to the doctors and never posted. I think stuff happened during the week that I wanted to talk about... never posted. I took my pictures on the 4... never posted. ENOUGH!
Here we go. I am posting. As I eat a couple of M&Ms. Yum, yum, yum.
Shall we start at the beginning? And by beginning, I mean last Monday, when I went to see my doctor. It was a good visit over all. I love this whole "honesty" thing I am doing with him. Not to say I wasn't being honest before, I just wasn't being completely honest... all the time... mostly. So he asked how I was doing and I told him it was going well. We talked about blocking and I confessed that it happens occasionally, but it is usually the result of my errors. I screw up somehow and block and puke. C'est tout. He seemed fine with it as long as I could eat and that it wasn't every meal. I assured him that it wasn't. I asked about vitamin supplements and we talked about weight and weighing in on the scale. He told me that yes, I could take supplements, but I didn't need them like someone who had had gastric by-pass surgery. As he said, they have absorption problems and MUST have supplements. He did recommend that I try to get chewable vitamins and take them twice a day. Which I must say makes sense, what with the difficulties I experience with swallowing anything larger than a... M&M. We also discussed the whole "don't look at the numbers on the scale" thing again. I think he explained it in a way that made sense to me. He said that when someone experiences rapid weight loss (and that translate to the numbers on the scale going down), that person is losing 50% fat and 50% muscle mass. You don't want to lose muscle mass - it's what speeds up weight loss.. and well, muscles. You want to loose 100% fat. And often when you achieve that, your numbers on the scale don't truly reflect the weight loss, because as everyone knows... muscle weighs more than fat. So he took my measurement around my waist and informed me that I had lost 2 inches since last month. I'll accept that.
I enjoy going and talking to him. I asked if it was ok for me to keep coming and seeing him even though I wasn't getting adjustments, and he told me absolutely! He said it was good for me to be able to talk to someone who knew what I was going through... serious. He apparently has no idea how much support is lacking or he would be doing something about it, right?
As always, he then wrapped up our little tête-à-tête with his usual question. "What about exercise"? I told him that while I was off on Friday, my friend Kelly signed me up for the "stair club". In the email she actually said that "So is Moriah, just volunteered her and she is not here today to say no." And there you have it. So I have been climbing stairs for a week now. I think I am actually going to die. Like dead. I huff and I puff, and in a weeks time I went from doing 6 flights and dying to doing 12 flights 2 a day. See what I mean? Who the fuck wants to that once a day, let alone twice a day??? These people are sick. SICK! But I still go.
Oh yeah. The last thing I wanted to say is: I am NOT on a diet people! I am not "watching what I eat" till I lose the weight and then "fall off the wagon". It's not even physically possible for me to do sucha a thing. Consequently, I have completely changed the way I eat. I am changing the way I live. This isn't an all or nothing kind of experience. I just don't have a choice. It's and "all". I don't eat hamburgers and french fries - God knows I want to, but I cant. I eat vegetables - preferably cooked. And fish. Some ground meat. The end. Every once in a while I wallow in self pity. Missing my steak and burgers and, well, bread. The smell of toast can really make me... sad? no, more like nostalgic. But this is my life now. No starches, no red meat, no "other white meat", nothing but fish, veggies and the light at the end of the tunnel when I am wallowing... frozen yogurt and chocolate. And stairs. Lots of stairs. But let's be honest, I'm gonna have a GREAT ass! I better. That's a lot of stairs.
Later!
OMG, I almost posted without publishing the pics. I want you to know I don't think they do me justice. The clothes is to big, and hides the progress. But I will let you be the judge of that. Let me know. Should I change outfits and use something that fits?
Feb 5, 2011:
May 4, 2011:
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