Ok I suck.

So apparently my motivation to post more is not as great as I thought it was. Things are still going slowly but surely. I mean I am now at the 1 year point and where do I find myself? Not where I thought I would be, but my hopes were unrealistic. That's why they are hopes I guess. I really wanted to have lost 100 lbs by now. I think I still sit at roughly 65lbs.  I did take some updated pictures a couple of weeks ago, and would like to share them with you. This is me a year ago (October 24, 2010) and me a year later (October 25, 2011). Things have definately changed, but not as much as I hoped.

I saw my doctor last Thursday and he is still happy with my progress. As always he wants me to incorporate exercise into my routine. This is as always my biggest challenge. The hubby and I have discussed it and I think we are going to get a treadmill as our mutual christmas present. Is that sad? I am not sure at this point in time. I also think that I have finally reached the point where I need an adjustment. I have not had one since March of this year. It took me quite some time to adapt to that last adjustment, however I find myself actually feeling hunger, and my capacity to eat has increased. Hell, I can eat bread without too much difficulty for the first time since March! We discussed it, and as I told him, I think I am ready for an adjustment however I am heading off to New York City at the beginning of December and I don't want to be struggling to adapt to the new adjustment.

I know that I had mentioned in my last post that I suspected that I was lactose intolerant and I was working on incorporating that dietary restriction into my habits. But as it turns out, I am not! YAY! I do however have gallstones. Treatment has not yet been discussed as I just had my ultrasound and the results have not yet been relayed to my family MD. Update to come. I am still trying to maintain a dairy reduced diet, but I am not dairy free. Thank god.

I think that's it for now. As always, if you have specific questions you would like to ask, please just drop me a line.

Word.

Radio silence has been broken...

Enjoy the silence... Channeling a little Depeche Mode there. Well, long time no speak! I guess I am ready to be back. My work life is almost normal, and my personal life has finally settled down! I have energy to breathe! YAY!

Also of note, is I didn't have much to say. I mean things didn't seem to really be changing from one day to another. I can't say that I am wholly convinced that much has changed since the last time, but I do have some updates. Let's see... Well I officially wear a size 20, or do I? If I am shopping at Addition-Elle, I do; but if I am shopping in a regular store I wear something around the 22. However even that is getting slightly generous on me.

The hubby mentioned that my form is straighter. I am not sure what it means, but it was a nice and good thing when he said it. Oh. My. GOD! I have not mentioned this, I am going bald! Ok, not quite that bad, but hair has been falling out in chunks! No word of a lie! I had to chop off my hair because it had thinned so much. Kelly had warned me about this, and I didn't even panic when it started happening, But come on! Enough already. Yet it still keeps falling out. I can't even tail you how much liquid drainer we have gone through in the last 6 months. It's kinda embarrassing. And I still have so much left to loose. How am I going to ever get out of this with hair on my head??? Why can't it fall off my thighs, or armpits? Geez. I did mention this at my last doctors appointment. He wasn't concerened at all. He said that it happenend to men and women, however women tended to notice it more. Thanks. He prescribed omega 3  supplements. They are the size of a horse pill!

Also of note, I have been having these CRAZY cramps in my upper left hand abdominal region. I thought I was having gall stone attacks. However, as I discussed it with my doctor, he said that gall stones tend to be on the RIGHT side, and that he thought it might be some kind of gas problem. Gee, thanks. He prescribed Benefiber and sent me on my merry little way. Now these "attacks" had only happened a handful of times, but have increased in frequency and severity since then. I had one last night after eating a bowl of vanilla frozen yogurt. That's when Guy suggested that I might be lactose intolerant. Son of a BIT*H was all I could think. I took two expired lactaids that we had in the house (thanks mom), even though the bottle suggested that I take them right BEFORE eating. The pain went away shortly there after. Of course, I am not convinced. I mean I love dairy! It is one of my go to foods ever since I have had this surgery. It is not too solid and therefore goes down nicely without blocking, it is a protein and well, yummy. So after telling everyone at lunch today that I suspected I was lactose intolerant, I thought I would have some honey nut cheerios with about 1/3 cup of milk. It's not that much anyways and last week I had 1/2 cup of yogurt and it only hurt a little. Well as it turns out, I was in so much pain, I couldn't breath properly and I broke out in cold sweats. Huh, maybe I do have a problem. So, I just got home from loblaws. On the advice of my sister, I purchased almond mild for my am protein shake and soy yogurt (who knows, it might be good). I also grabbed a soy nice coffee beverage.

I don't know if I can eat stuff that has been cooked with dairy, or to what extent this "issue" goes, but I won't take chances for now. Goodbye delicious dairy products. I loved you so! I do hope to meet you again... soon!

So I may have bought more clothes...

Hey, I think it's a disease! Please don't judge.

About a month ago I went looking for a dress, something casual but work appropriate. I found a cute dress that had a 1950's housewife feel to it. Tried it on and voila... Just a smidge to small. I fit into it, but it was tight and well, unflattering. Anyways,  yesterday I bought that same dress for less than $23 and it fit, like a glove! Since there are clearly end of season sales going on, I felt the need to go to the next store and check it out. I mean I have been trying to manage with about 1/4 of what I normally have in my closet. This is cruel and painful (for the record). But I managed to find 3 other items. One of which was a size... 20.  Can you  believe it??? I mean it's just a bit tight (but I wear a long blouse with it so no one can see). I am on my way to 20! YES!

Anyways, here is the picture I've been promising. I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I can't believe how "small" I am, on the other hand I can't believe how big I am. Sigh. Okay, here we go:

                                      May 4, 2011                                             July 21, 2011

 

 Well that's it. For now.

I'm walking, baby can't you see...

Wow! It's been a month since I last posted. I'll admit it, I've been keeping pretty busy. Since last we blogged, I have been trying desperately to live up to my online promise of walking as a form of torture - I mean exercise. Oopsies, Freudian slip!

Seriously though, last I post I actually done my first walk and had mostly survived. Yay! But then the challenge lie in doing it more than once. I mean I can't just go about confessing how I exercise and only have actually committed the act once (unfortunately). So I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried. But, DAMN, I have a busy life.

The week after the momentous, inaugural walk was my birthday week - and a total write off. The week after that, I walked home one day that week and I think it was 40 plus degrees with the humidex. It was hot, I sweat like a stuck pig and was quite dizzy, and that was it for me. Oh, not true, the girls and I walked to the Loblaws near my house that week as well. I count that as a second walk. Last week I walked once after work (my usual 3.5 KM) and once on my way to bluesfest (roughly 2 KM walk). Which brings us to this week. Monday was once again 40 some degrees with the humidex, so I said screw it! But yesterday was also 39 degrees with the humidity, and I decided to walk regardless, because if I keep letting the weather be an excuse, I would wake up in November not wanting to walk due to the cold weather. So, I walked. I got home and when I stopped walking, the sweat poured off of me in rivers. Actual rivers. I had the River Moriah running down my spine. I don't remember the last time I ever sweat that much! I think I lost 20 pounds of water. Just kidding... we only lose fat on this channel. Build muscle, to lose fat. Due to the sweat factor, I had to wash all my close but had them clean and back in the car for today. But honestly, I don't want to walk two days in a row. I figure I should do it every other day. But like with the weather, this a little like a convenient way to avoid doing the exercise. So as Tia said, get ready to walk (change into my workout clothes) and decide once I get there. It was great advice, because I walked home today as well. This was probably the coolest temperature that I walked in to date! It was a balmy 21 degrees. However they were calling for thunder storms. But the sky was blue and the clouds looked white and fluffy, so I went for it. I made it to the end of my street, when the first big thunder clap struck (does thunder strike?). I made it home without incident, and had 5 mins to watch the kids bike and play before the rain came poring down the street. It was pretty cool actually and was followed by hail.

All that to say that I may have reached a new plateau in my exercise routine. I don't just walk once a week; Oh no, I walk TWICE a week! Let's just see if I can create a pattern out of this anomaly.

Something else I have noticed (this is not exercise related - or temperature dependent!), my eating habits have changed. I know, I know. You think that this would not be a news flash, but it is. For the last seven months, I have worked hard to be able to eat meals that were healthy and full of vegetables. but during the last month or so, I don't even really have to think about it. The habit seems to have been created. I mostly eat vegetables and protein. Tonight for example, I had fish with asparagus and tomato slices. I did make couscous for Guy and the girls, but I had two bites of it and that was it. I've actually reached a point where I don't have to fill out my calendar in order to be able to make healthy meals. I can just grab whatever is in the freezer/fridge and go. I ACTUALLY want veg and pulses at my meals. I find it shocking the serious lack of these in most peoples day to day. Weird. How did I end up here.

I am also aware that I owe you a picture. I swear you will have it by the end of the week!

Step one...

Cut a whole in the box!

Just a quick update. I did it. Yup in 35 degree weather I walked the 3.5 KM to my house. It wasn't that bad, but I was hot and sweaty by the time I got home. It took me roughly 30 mins to walk it and I survived. Not sure if I am going to do it tomorrow or not, but apparently writing that you are going to do something in a public forum is motivation to follow through.

Things I will do differently:

• I will wear sunscreen
• I will wear a sports bra
• I will wear my sportier sunglasses

I think that's it. I had my tunes going and life was good. I think the worst of it was that my back was sore. By the end of it, the bottom of my left foot was sore as well, but I am not sure if that is because my sock was bunched.

Ciao

Exersise... the final frontier.

These are the weight loss voyages of the person Moriah. My continuing mission: I really don't know. At this point you are probably asking yourself what this post all about. I mean I totally geeked out there for a minute. But I really wanted to talk about chicken (not the way Tia talks about chicken) and exercise (my nemesis).

Chicken. Well, I had some the other night, and didn't vomit. What you say? I know, I know, I said that I couldn't eat it anymore. That it made me block. Well here is what I have learned. I don't think there is much I can't eat if I eat it slow enough and chew it enough. Also of equal importance is the size of the bite (minuscule is where it's at - like what you would do for your baby that is learning how to eat solid food). Yup, that's where I am at. The thing is, there are some foods that just aren't worth chewing that much (such as beef), and others that regardless of chewing a lot will block (sandwich of any kind). So I still have a limited diet, but every once in a while, when I have all the time in the world, I can add in a toast with a little peanut butter (must be consumed with coffee). Or a piece of chicken. Fun!

Which brings me to the anti-christ... exercise. I have been saying since, what... January, that I have to start exercising. Let's be honest, I have never really been keen on this. I have tried walking at work during lunch (just doesn't really happen), I tried the stair club (wow that makes your heart pump, but it also makes my knee hurt), and now I am on yet another attempt at incorporating exercise into my incredibly busy life. I have asked Guy to drop me off on a street that is roughly 3.5 KM from my house. He will head up to the daycare to pick up the girls, and I will pray to god that I make it home before midnight... ok, I exaggerate, but you get the picture.  Don't get too excited, as you may have already noticed, I haven't actually done this yet. Tomorrow will be attempt #1. What's the weather suppose to be?

OMG... I just thought of something funny that happened the other day. On Monday morning we had dropped off the girls at daycare and I was walking back to the car. Once I reached my door, I backed up so that Guy could see me through the passenger window, and I was pulling on the lower hip/upper thigh of my pant leg. I probably have about 2 1/2 to 3 inches of give on each side and I thought it was hilarious. These are pants that I finally fit back into after years of sitting in the closet, and now I host teaparties in them... literally, I have friends join me. In the pants. ANYWAYS. So I get home that night, after showing my spacious pants off to Tia... and find a facebook message. Someone I went to highschool with, and haven't seen in years, wrote me to say she thinks we might be neighbors. Isn't that fun? Oh, she saw a woman outside her house pulling on her pants, showing how much room there was and was that me. BUSTED! Anyway, that's it for now.

Engage!

Isn't it IRONIC, don't you think?

So last post I write about the hour of my discontent. How hard it all is and how I am struggling. Then I go upstairs to bed and weigh myself just to prove how unfair the scale and this cold, cold world really are. And I reach an all time low. Great.

Get up, head to work and get mercilessly mocked regarding my two-assed pants (they are so big that I could fit a second ass in the pants - or so says Kelly). My shirt was too big as well, and I decided that even though I am not long for this size (as I have been living the 22 for a while), I allow myself the luxury of buying a few items  that will be scarcely used. The fact is that I have no clothes left in my closet (which was all fall/winter) and certainly have nothing even remotely summer left.

So out I go. It's Wednesday night and I am on a mission! I will find cheap clothes to get me through the next month! I head to the Jones of New York outlet and get there at 6:25 to find that the store closed 25 minutes ago. So I go around the corner to the Laura store. I go in and grab everything I can find in a 22 that is light and summery and on sale. But I am not convinced that this is going to be as productive as I initially thought, as "on sale" items are still in the $40-$60 range. Eek... hard to spend that kind of cash on something that is only going to be used for 2-3 months - if I'm lucky. On my way to the change rooms, at the back of the store I walk through a GINORMOUS sale section and slam on the breaks! I spend even more time looking through these items and end up in the change room with roughly 30 items to try on.

As I head out of the store and prepare to head to Reitmans (rumor has it that you can find really cheap sale items there as well), my eyes alight on another store. I head in, find my size and end up in the change room with another 24 items to try. After all that work and effort I spend a total of $230. For this I walk away with 6 tops, 2 pair of pants, a bracelet and a necklace.

Things you need to know for this to be of any interest what-so-ever:

1. I have been shopping plus size since I was about 12-13 years old
2. The only plus size store at that time was Addition-Elle (it looked like 70 year-olds shopped there)
3. There were no regular stores that carried anything above a 14 at that time
4. By the time regular stores carried clothing up to size 18 (which was shocking and exciting all at once), I no longer fit that size
5. I have never shopped a regular store - At least not for the last 23 years

The amazing part about this whole experience is that I actually shopped AND made purchases that were not just accessories, in two stores I have NEVER been able to shop in before. The most astonishing and cool feeling ever was that I was able to buy items which were trendy, appropriate (not to young or old) and fun. I did not have to settle. It was almost a surreal experience. Now Laura and Winners are no Banana Republic or Tristan, but I'm on my way BITCHES!!!

And there you have it. Irony at it's finest.

This is the hour of my discontent.

Well, I have been silent for a few weeks. I don't always know what to say. "I'm struggling; This is fabulous; God this sucks; Look at how good I did; I miss so much" and on, and on... This experience is just that, quite the experience.

Since the surgery, I have struggled a lot with food. What I put in my mouth, and what will actually stay down. I think I have that more or less under control. At this point, the times I struggle/suffer/vomit usually result from me not doing something correctly. Ate too fast, didn't chew enough, ate the wrong foods. I have spent such a huge amount of the last six months thinking, planning and stressing about what goes into me. I thought I would be able to be less consumed by food with this surgery, but in the end it consumed me completely. It was everything. I was always thinking about food. What do I have for  breakfast, can I eat that, I can't eat that, eat slower, chew more... oh god, I screwed up somehow and now I'm going to be sick! What will we have for dinner (I have young children who need to eat properly and get all their nutrition), I can't eat anything I used to for lunch, what do I do? And on, and on. Sigh.

But now, now I don't struggle as much. I know what foods I can eat. I know how to eat (if I don't always do it correctly).


Unbeknownst to me, for the last five years I have been slowly changing my habits and gearing myself up for this lifestyle change. At the same time, during the last few years, I've been building a system that would allow me to manage food and help with this whole process (I just needed something, at the time, to help me ensure I fed the kids good wholesome meals). Each month, I sit down with my calendar and write out dinners for the entire month; every day except for Fridays. That's 26 meals per month. I don't like repetition, so I have come up with roughly 20 meals I can eat over the month (meaning only 4-6 repeats a month). These meals have changed drastically since I started this whole process from beef and chicken with few vegetables to essentially a vegetarian diet with tons of fish and some ground meats; the concept,however, has remained the same. I know what I need for groceries based on the meals I will be making for the next two weeks. Everything is pre-thought out, preplanned. However, this month, when I was trying to make my meal plan for the month, I was in a bad place. Frustrated, tired of everything and suffering from a complete loss of desire and creativity to do the job. This resulted in a serious lack of. I'd say I managed to write down meals for about a third of the month. Eek! Take this weekend for instance, I had nothing written down, not a meal planned. In the old days, I would have simply ordered in, however that is not really an option for me anymore (seeing as how Aylmer does not have an Indian take out place). Clearly, I am in a better place today, than when I organized my meal plan for the month because I have been able to just look at what's in the fridge/freezer/cupboard and come up with dinners for the last two nights, no problem - like in the good old days.This tells me I am getting the hang of the new food I cook.

So what, you ask, is my problem? Well, it's a little thing called math. Yeah, that's right! I blame math!!! balance the equation my ass! So my weight is slowly going down, but not as quickly as I would like it. I head to the doctors and he tells me he is pleased with my progress. But I know there are a few things I could be doing better. Although let's be honest, when it comes to I don't know too many people who are eating better and smaller portions than me - well Kelly of course, but that's it! But back to the issue. How can I improve you ask (just pretend you ask, and don't offer too many unrequested suggestions ;) )? Well, cut WAY back on my chocolate intake and add exercise to the whole program.

 You see, Easter wasn't that long ago and although I was VERY conservative on what I bought the children this year, there was still a lot of chocolate in the house. I can say no to almost everything, but NOT chocolate. So I may have been consuming some chocolate for the last little while. And then there was Imogene's birthday (2 birthday cakes needed eating), and before that was Guy's birthday (again, cake). So as you can see, I have been grazing on chocolate (in it's natural form and in the form of cake) for the past 3 months. I realize that that may slow down my weight loss progress, but I have been willing to take the "slow down" for now. But then I was no longer happy with the speed of my progress, so I do decide to reduce (let's be honest, I will never be able to give it up completely) my chocolate intake. Not only that, but I add in exercise to my daily routine (OMG!).

So if I may, recap is as follows: Have had major surgery, completely changed my lifestyle and eating habits which has resulted in a 55 lbs weight loss (roughly). To improve results, I have reduced my chocolate intake and added climbing 12 flights of stairs (office building flights of stairs) 1 to 2 times a day to the routine. Results? I gained 4-5 lbs and have been suffering from lower back pain. It's gotten so bad that it wakes me up during the night and I can barely move in the mornings, let alone climb stairs. I have been getting deep tissue therapy, heating my back every night, have exercises to help, blah, blah, blah. 

Now the way it was explained to me (and maybe the problem is that I am just a little dense and therefor completely wrong in my understanding) was that weight loss equaled less back pain, more energy, better sleep, etc. Not exactly the results I have been getting. The math is off... whatever, I don't trust math.

I don't know if you understand what this weight gain did to me. I mean, it was my biggest fear come true! Even with weight loss surgery, I am still failing at weight loss. Really, really???? I don't know what else to do. I find I am dizzy way more frequently. I think it might be due to hunger, but the fact is that unless I am REALLY hungry (like skip a meal hungry) I don't feel hunger. Ok, it's time I stop. I am all over the place now.

Sooooo, why am I no longer completely bummed? I don't know. The reasons are probably just illusions. I find my clothes is a bit looser than it was. Is it, or am I dreaming? I just don't know. The scale isn't helping me is it? At least it is back down to being 1 pound off from my lowest weight loss. But it really is up and down and all over the place. I hate scales. Sigh, again.  Oh, and Guy has hit another all time low. He has lost 33 lbs now (no weight loss surgery, no exercise, just a little food tweaking). I know men lose weight way easier then women, I don't even begrudge him it.I'm happy for him, he looks good and feels better. I just want to weigh less than him, and the more successful he is, the further away he gets from me. And my weight isn't moving at all!!! Agh!

As I said, hour of my discontent.

This is not a diet...

it's a lifestyle change.

Ok, I have been slacking. Last Monday I went to the doctors and never posted. I think stuff happened during the week that I wanted to talk about... never posted. I took my pictures on the 4... never posted. ENOUGH!

Here we go. I am posting. As I eat a couple of M&Ms. Yum, yum, yum.

Shall we start at the beginning? And by beginning, I mean last Monday, when I went to see my doctor. It was a good visit over all. I love this whole "honesty" thing I am doing with him. Not to say I wasn't being honest before, I just wasn't being completely honest... all the time... mostly. So he asked how I was doing and I told him it was going well. We talked about blocking and I confessed that it happens occasionally, but it is usually the result of my errors. I screw up somehow and block and puke. C'est tout.  He seemed fine with it as long as I could eat and that it wasn't every meal. I assured him that it wasn't.  I asked about vitamin supplements and we talked about weight and weighing in on the scale. He told me that yes, I could take supplements, but I didn't need them like someone who had had gastric by-pass surgery. As he said, they have absorption problems and MUST have supplements. He did recommend that I try to get chewable vitamins and take them twice a day. Which I must say makes sense, what with the difficulties I experience with swallowing anything larger than a... M&M. We also discussed the whole "don't look at the numbers on the scale" thing again. I think he explained it in a way that made sense to me. He said that when someone experiences rapid weight loss (and that translate to the numbers on the scale going down), that person is losing 50% fat and 50% muscle mass. You don't want to lose muscle mass - it's what speeds up weight loss.. and well, muscles. You want to loose 100% fat. And often when you achieve that, your numbers on the scale don't truly reflect the weight loss, because as everyone knows... muscle weighs more than fat. So he took my measurement around my waist and informed me that I had lost 2 inches since last month. I'll accept that.

I enjoy going and talking to him. I asked if it was ok for me to keep coming and seeing him even though I wasn't getting adjustments, and he told me absolutely! He said it was good for me to be able to talk to someone who knew what I was going through... serious. He apparently has no idea how much support is lacking or he would be doing something about it, right?

As always, he then wrapped up our little tête-à-tête with his usual question. "What about exercise"? I told him that while I was off on Friday, my friend Kelly signed me up for the "stair club". In the email she actually said that "So is Moriah, just volunteered  her and she is not here today to say no." And there you have it. So I have been climbing stairs for a week now. I think I am actually going to die. Like dead. I huff and I puff, and in a weeks time I went from doing 6 flights and dying to doing 12 flights 2 a day. See what I mean? Who the fuck wants to that once a day, let alone twice a day??? These people are sick. SICK! But I still go. 

Oh yeah. The last thing I wanted to say is: I am NOT on a diet people! I am not "watching what I eat" till I lose the weight and then "fall off the wagon". It's not even physically possible for me to do sucha a thing. Consequently, I have completely changed the way I eat. I am changing the way I live. This isn't an all or nothing kind of experience. I just don't have a choice. It's and "all". I don't eat hamburgers and french fries - God knows I want to, but I cant. I eat vegetables - preferably cooked. And fish. Some ground meat. The end. Every once in a while I wallow in self pity. Missing my steak and burgers and, well, bread. The smell of toast can really make me... sad? no, more like nostalgic. But this is my life now. No starches, no red meat, no "other white meat", nothing but fish, veggies and the light at the end of the tunnel when I am wallowing... frozen yogurt and chocolate. And stairs. Lots of stairs. But let's be honest, I'm gonna have a GREAT ass! I better. That's a lot of stairs. 

Later! 

OMG, I almost posted without publishing the pics. I want you to know I don't think they do me justice. The clothes is to big, and hides the progress. But I will let you be the judge of that. Let me know. Should I change outfits and use something that fits? 

Feb 5, 2011:

May 4, 2011:

Lapband easter...

I am stunned. Shocked! Flabbergasted! I think I just figured out that it isn't all about me?

I should start with a happy Easter everyone. I hope you had a nice long weekend (I know, I know, it's not finished yet). This was a pretty challenging weekend for me.  I went to my mom's for Easter dinner on Saturday, and dinner at my in-laws this evening. So thanks to me, no one in either family got a traditional easter dinner; as I do not consume, turkey, pig, beef or chicken (if we are listing meats I don't eat - I as of yet have tried duck or lamb). I eat fish. Well, seafood really. On Good Friday I went out to dinner for my girlfriend's 35th b-day and had trout (which was yummy but gross thanks to all the fish bones I had to remove) like a good catholic. If only I were catholic this would actually matter. 


On Saturday I headed over to my mom's house for a spread that she worked really hard to come up with. I had several conversations with her in which I offered to just bring myself some fish and she could make whatever she wanted. But mommies being who they are, just have to accommodate their children - take care of them. Like I said, I felt pretty bad that everyone got cheated out of their Easter dinner for food that my mom thought I could eat. She worked hard on coming up with a menu, consulted with the other members of my family. Probably had to buy special ingredients that she doesn't normally have on hand. Needless to say, she put a lot of effort into this meal. She made a rice-less Jambalaya (I can't eat rice), some carrot dish that everyone raved about(if there is one vegetable I can' eat, it's carrots - even if they are shredded and cooked), a chicken curry-esq dish (did I mention I can't eat chicken?), a vegetable couscous (YES!!! This I can enjoy), plus the bacon wrapped scallops that we brought (part offering of help towards the meal, part insurance plan). Of that fare, I was only able to eat the Jambalaya, the couscous and the scallops and managed to down 2.5 scallops, 1-2 bite of couscous and 1 shrimp from the Jambalaya before the whole meal came to a screeching halt (for me) thanks to my own stupidity. I had to eat my mom's homemade bread. Mike, you weren't there, but I know you know why I did it. I blocked, vomited a bit and had ice cream.  Yeah for me.  Did I mention that I feel bad that my mom went to all this trouble and worked real hard at putting a meal together just to accommodate me and my needs and in the end I couldn't eat half of what she made, AND I still blocked AND no one got their traditional Easter meal. Sigh. But throughout this whole experience, I was at my mom's house. It's a comfortable and safe environment for me and I didn't feel too awkward with the whole thing because it was such a minor block that it was settled immediately and I could go back to the table and eat a little more (ice cream). I think the worst part about blocking is my perception of what everyone else is thinking. 


Enter dinner number two. The in-laws. So my mother in law mentioned on Tuesday when we saw them that they were making chicken, "You eat chicken right?" she asked. Since I had just blogged about how I wanted to re-introduce it into my diet I said yes. I love my in-laws. They are really generous and they would go above and beyond for me (and my family) but their eating habits don't exactly align with mine. They are more an old school, meat and potatoes kind of peeps. And so that is the second reason why I didn't say I couldn't eat chicken. But during the week I realized I was too afraid to end up blocking and have an unpleasant evening due to chicken ingestion (or lack there of),  so I decided to bring fish. I show up there this evening with my fish, and Guy gives it to his mom making some joke about how it's a gift, and his mom wants to freeze it immediately. I say that it is my supper and that I am just too nervous to eat chicken. She looks slightly dismayed but soldiers on saying no problem! Then my father-in-law goes on about how they should have made roast beef. I clarify that I haven't been able to eat beef since I had the surgery, so I would not have eaten the meal regardless (IRREGARDLESS!). He then says once again that they could have been eating roast beef, and I now feel like the biggest heel ever! My mother in-law then verifies that I can eat french fries right? I say yes, of course. I mean when I was out on Friday night for dinner I had these amazing roasted mini red potatoes that more or less tasted french fry-esq. So yeah, I can eat fries. I clearly don't learn my lesson the first time round. Remember a few weeks back when I thought I would have french fries and how amazing it would be and in the end I blocked, puked and ended up with nothing in my stomach? Just repeat that scenario, only at my in-laws. During Easter dinner. After I told then I was eating fish so I wouldn't block and that I could eat french fries. I think I managed 5 bites. Blocked and spent the rest of the meal in the bathroom. Not even sure if they could hear me puking or not. Then my mother-in-law asks me if I will have dessert. Uhhhh nope. But once again she looks disheartened, so I ask if she has ice cream. She rallies and is happy once again. What a colossal mistake on my behalf. I have not finished, I am still blocked. The ice cream, well it doesn't make it all better. I abruptly tell Guy we have to go. I wrangle my two overtired, unimpressed children and off we go. I am uncomfortable, unwell even and I just want to get home. The car ride back was less than stellar. We had to pull over so I could spit out all the saliva that was pooling at an alarming rate in my mouth. And off we went again. I barely made it home. We pull up to the house and some obnoxious family of four out for their familial bonding walk just happens to be coming up to our house. They walked at the pace of a snail and I think even paused to smile at us and allow to bask in the glory that is their offspring (riding their bikes on our lawn), before sauntering on. I almost puked on my winshield thanks to them. Jumped out of the car and bolted for the house, leaving Guy to deal with our kids. 

I worry that my in-laws, having never really experienced any of this (an not having a computer, have never read my blog) are now going to be convinced that I am bulimic.  I mean, I was pretty convincing of that this evening.

Well there you have it. Easter, lapband stylez! I don't know. I mean like I said up top, I am realizing how much my decisions are affecting those around me. Even though this is about me, it's not just about me. Wow. That is mind blowing. I mean I have labored under the false impression that EVERYTHING is about me. WTF! It's just weird. And uncomfortable. I have to learn how to do family functions I guess. But I keep moving forward. I keep losing weight. I will wear some mighty fine clothes! Wait for it, someday this will be a blog about my shopping.  


Hope your Easter was a bit smoother. Oh CRAP! I am suppose to have brunch with my dad tomorrow. Is the problem Easter? Will I survive another meal? Aaaahhhhhhhhh!

good news, bad new

So a lot has happened, sorta, in the last couple of weeks. First of all I hit my first major mild stone, I hit the 50 lb mark recently. I am slightly shocked that I didn't get on here and blog about it right away. But there you have it. I have lost a total of 53 lbs to date. I am pretty excited about that.

On the flip side of that last week was a little hard. I think I am still in mourning a little. Last week I really wanted a big old burger or a nice rib steak. This is sooo not an option. I know that and most of the time I am fine with that, however last week I really wanted that. I couldn't indulge in those cravings, so I bought stuff I could consume. Over a 5 day period I bough a lot of chocolate, 3 bags of chips and 1 pint of Häagen-Dazs, and 2 frozen yogurt containers. Please note that I did not eat all of this, I just bought it. I ate some of the Häagen-Dazs and a bit of the chips, but I did eat lots of chocolate. Lots. It's hard to write what I want to say because frankly, I did it, I know I was just missing big ol' beef products and trying to get the same happy feeling from something else. WTF? I am weird.

On a completely different note, I managed to go for a walk during my lunch hour this week. I was nice, but slightly depressing. We walked for 30 mins, doing the touristy thing and walking parliment. It was fine till I got back to the office and broke out sweating. Eeeewww! Oh well. I am going to try to do that 3 times a week. That is the goal. I am also suppose to sign up for belly dancing classes that start next week. Still haven't done it. My exercise buddy seems to be flaking out. Do I still go? I really want someone to go with. Sigh. I'll figure it out.

As I may have mentioned previously, I have stopped eating chicken. I was blocking with it and didn't really feel up to trying to consume it. Well, I am not sure if it is chicken or how I am eating it, so I am going to give chicken another try. I will try it cut up tiny, like feeding your 6 month old tiny. hopefully I can continue to eat chicken. Right now I eat fish and veggies and couscous (and the occasional pasta dish). I just need more. But on the brighter side of things, anything I make from that cookbook, is delicious! I have made quite a few recipes and they are fabulous.

Well this post has been challenging, and possibly incoherent. I am attempting to blog with 2 kids playing... not the best idea I have ever had.

later gator

Oh... the name of the cookbook...

Funny story that, while writing my blog yesterday I took the time to google the correct title of the cookbook so that I could provide it for you. Then completely didn't give it... so here you go:

Canadian living: the vegetarian collection

Everything is delicious so far!

Confessions of a foodaholic

After deciding to completely change my dinner menu, I knew exactly what I was going to blog about. I was going to come on here and confess to bad food choices that are totally worth it.

Well, as it turns out, this is a confession of another sort. We were suppose to have taco salads for dinner. We were going to pick up some ground chicken and make some yummy salad. But Guy mentioned that he had bought sausage from the sausage kitchen and that really made me want BBQ. The poor girls have been eating a lot of "not their favorite" foods (spinach galette, chick pea and swiss chard curry, summer vegetable tian) so I went CRAZY! We had BBQ sausage with french fries (and gravy!). Delicious. Till I puked; for an hour. OMG.

So as it turns out, french fries are not worth it. Vomiting for over an hour and never really feeling better is (as it turns) not fun at all. And I ended up with absolutely nothing in my belly. Sigh.

the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth... so help me god!

So I went to see my doctor today, and if you recall correctly I said I would be very honest with him about where I was at (maybe I just thought it and never confessed it to cyber space). Well, you will be pleased to hear that this was probably my most honest meeting with him to date. Don't panic, I don't go there to lie but at times I may not have told the whole truth.

Today I went in and just laid it all down. He asked me how things were, and I told him how they were:
I said that I was just this side of becoming a vegetarian. I can no longer eat read meat, or pork and now I don't think I can eat chicken (unless ground). He then clarified that this was not a decision based on my "feelings" about the animals. I said no, that I was in mourning for the lack of steak in my life. That I loved me a dead animal carcase on my plate (ok, I may be taking creative license on how that was phrased exactly). He was surprised and slightly concerned that I could no longer eat chicken - he has a protein thing; it's apparently all about protein. Apparently this is NOT a common "side effect". However I reassured him that I was consuming sufficient protein amounts. That I eat ground meats, but mostly consume fish (which made him happy) and veggies. He asked me about portion sizes and about my breakfast routines. When I told him the sizes for my lunch and dinner plates and what my am routine was, again he was happy with that.

At one point he said that it seemed like I was doing really well, that I was controlling my cravings well. I interrupted him (I know, you raised me better than that mom) to point out (and really come clean) that I have a chocolate problem, and do occasionally give in to said desires (see Kelly? nothing but the truth). He was still  pleased with me. He asked me whether or not I could "feel" a difference; in my body or clothing. Today was the first time I could emphatically say yes. There is a definite difference. He asked me "what is your plan?" or something along those lines, and I responded like this: at this point in time, I think I almost have this under control. I need to incorporate the exercise into this whole process and I plan on doing that by walking at lunch time and possibly taking a belly dancing class (that you Kelly... ahem!). He said that that was great, and that dancing was the best exercise possible. He also wants me to exercise with my family. We are going to try to walk after dinner. We shall see.

Things I am figuring out at this point:

a - I can't eat chicken.
b - I am surprised at how much time I spend thinking about food. Like I told the doctor, I thought I would stop obsessing about food after this operation, but now I find myself even more preoccupied by it.
c - Every time I think I have things under control, the game changes.
d - Despite item C, I feel good about where I am at in this process.

So what does this all mean? Well today was the first time I went to visit my doctor and NOT get an adjustment done. He is extremely pleased with my results and attitude. He is even impressed with me. So although I can't eat chicken anymore, at least I know that that is one of my limitations and I am no longer blocking every time I eat it ('cause I don't eat it anymore!!!). I feel like I am just about to hit my "groove" with this whole thing. I feel like I have figured out how this needs to work for me. I also think that I am about to become really successful.

Speaking of success, one of the reasons why my eating is going so smoothly is thanks to my Tante Lil. She recommended a cookbook to me a few months back, that she and her daughter's all have. I could have saved myself a lot of grief over the last few months if I would have just gone out and picked it up but alas, I didn't. I do however own it now. I have had it in my possession for less than a week. Have made 4 recipes from it and will point out that Tante, you were right - everything is delish so far. Yum!

Now on to the best part. PICTURES!

I was talking with my sister a couple of weeks back, and she was complaining that I had not post pictures in a while. I told her that I had taken them (in March), but that there wasn't much change from the February photo to the March photo - so I hadn't posted it. She said that she doesn't get to see me everyday, and that she was sure that she would see a difference. I don't think she would have for the feb/march pictures, but I will make an effort to post a photo every month regardless of how I feel about it. So without further ado, here is the March/April (taken today) photos:

BTW, I'm only posting the side view because I find it more... descriptive of the changes. Should I be posting a front facing shot as well? Let me know.

P.S. t-minus 2 lbs till I hit the big 50!

Puerto Plata diet

Well, I'm back. I had a fabulous vaca with my mommy on the beach. We had fun in the shade (well it was either that or come home looking like a lobster). I swam in the ocean for the first time every, and saw the cheesiest tranny filled Vegas style show ever! I spent a week by a pool, looking at the ocean in "feels like" 40 + weather.  It was awesome! I did not however realize that my mom and I were heading to a weight loss facility.

In order to describe their process at this resort, we need a little background. the Dominican is not, nor  will they ever be know for their culinary prowess. That being said, their program is powerful. It works. I went down their with no knowledge of what I was in for... let alone expectations. In the end, I loss a lot of weight while their. In the week I was gone, I think I dropped 7 lbs (I'm not sure, 'cause I can't remember what I weighed before I left).

The program was rigorous and quite restrictive. Physical activity was... exhausting, and hydration was paramount.  

Seriously, I knew I was heading for a foreign country. But I did not really appreciate all the little creature comforts I have here. I live on a smoothies, yogurt and curries; when all else fails I turn to frozen yogurt to make everything better. I knew that going down there would be challenging, but I had no idea that I would find myself with absolutely no food. 

RIGOROUS AND RESTRICTIVE PROGRAM:

I was unable to eat the breakfast foods. They offered omelets and scrambled eggs, sausages that look like hotdogs, sliced up hotdogs, chilled fruit (can't consume anything cold) and a plethora of breads. It wasn't until day 4 or 5 that I found out they actually had yogurt.

I managed to establish a slow routine that freaked the wait staff out; especially with the language barrier. So breakfast usually went like this. Get up and only head down to the dining area around 9-9:30. Drink 3-4 cups of cafe et leche caliente. Then order 2 soft poached eggs (that's all, no more?), ok, give me 1 toast with that. i would then take roughly 45 mins to eat that.

Lunch consisted of a huge buffet filled with foods I couldn't eat. Mainly there was rice and beans... some fish dish (who would have thought that living so close to the ocean meant that you could get fresher fish in Ottawa...?), pizza (think, thin crust frozen pizza with 3 pieces of something or another added). A huge cold salad buffet (not gonna happen cold anything blocks me and they didn't have any decent salad dressings). I don't really know what else, because I only went to lunch a total of 2 times. After that (block and puke), I just didn't bother.

In the end, thanks to the heat, and the pool side's endless supply of pina coladas, I was never really full. Especially when you factor in that I would finish breaky around 11 am. 

At 3 pm there would be a little snack served, consisting of open faced sandwiches. I would normally nibble on 3-4 of them (think a slice of tiny baguette topped with avocado, cream cheese or chicken salad).

Dinner was always around 6:30. I didn't want to eat to late and have problems because of that. So we would head to the main dining area, or the restaurant where we had reservations. There I would normally manage 3 or 4 bites of whatever I scrounged up, block and head to my room.

PHYSICAL ACTIVITY:

Now as I metionned, this was an exhausting regimen. I had to go from the breakfast patio, to the lounge chair by the pool. There was turning over, applying and re-applying sunscreen and the crucial swim in the pool to cool down and get hydration. 

HYDRATION:

As stated previously, hydration is key in any of these situations. Especially when you are in 40+ weather, working out strenuously all day. So I made sure that the barman and I were on good terms, and that the drinks kept coming. I started with the ever popular pina colada, and ended my days drinking Fausto's special of the day. They were divine.

RECAP:

Menu for any given day:

1-2 soft poached eggs
1 toast
gallons of cafe au lait
4 baguette slice sandwiches
3-4 drinks (pina colada)
4-5 bites (on a good day) for dinner

for the last 3 days I added 1 yogurt to that list.

I know it's a foreign country, and the quick fixes I normally use when I can't consume food was... are not really present. I just had no idea how that would affect me. As I said at the beginning, I lost a lot of weight with this vaca.

Should you need a weight loss facility just let me know,  I have the name of a really good resort. :)

Things I should confess to:

• On Saturday I broke down and bought a $6.00 bag of Lays plain chips (these were shared with my mom).
• On Monday night, on the way home, I bought a $4.00 bag of M&Ms (there was absolutely NO sharing involved). 
• For dinner tonight, the hubby said I could have ANYTHING I wanted... so of course I requested Chinese food. I managed to eat 2 egg rolls, 2 chicken balls and 2 bites of General Tao's chicken. That was the most food I had eaten in 1 sitting in a week.  

P.S. Pictures will be forthwith coming.

one potato, two potato, three potato, four...

Don't ask. I have no idea what the title for this post has to do with the content of it. So I may have mentioned that I had a big old adjustment done on the last visit. I was thrilled that my doctor gave me what I wanted, seeing that he was not really sure it was a good idea. God bless him non-the-less. I struggled for the first three days, despite having done a liquid diet for 36 hours.

Lessons learned: Do a liquid diet for the 48 hours, no matter how smart you think you are, or how good you feel. It ain't worth puking on the side of the street around the corner from the restaurant you were just at.

So I stopped writing because I had nothing left to say after the first three days. There is only so much "ate this, puked... hope I learned my lesson" you can write. I mean I think I could do that each day. Post something about how I couldn't manage to eat.

I am still having a bit of a hard time with food, 3 weeks later. This is very reminiscent of my first adjustment after surgery. Long, long "recovery" - no that's not it... adaptation period. However, today it dawned on me that my problems seem to be two fold (is that the right expression???).

I am stunned and amazed at how slowly I eat now a days. Small bites, carefully chewed and slowly eaten (like taking my time getting the next bite in). I am always a good 10 mins slower than anyone I am eating with. Saves me from puking in the public toilets at work (gag!!). I even eat slower than the hubby when I am at home - now that's saying something. For years, meals consisted of me eating and waiting for a good 10-15 mins at the table for him to finish. That being said, he says I still take big bites. I really think I struggle with it more at home than when out.

So I was off on Friday (so that I can get a pedi for my trip down south). I had an hour to kill between appointments, so I decided to have lunch (in the form of breakfast!). I went to my favorite breaky place (Baker Street Cafe) and ordered 2 eggs soft poach. I managed to eat 1 egg and half a toast, plus 1 1/2 cups of coffee. Then I came to a screeching halt (please note that I was eating at the pace of a snail). I had to go and throw up everything. That bathroom was repulsive (I had never actually used it before). The waiter nervously asked if everything was ok. I asked for my non-consumed breakfast to go and had to get out of there and puke on the side of the road in a ritzy-happening part of town... AGAIN!

I followed that up with blocking during dinner last night (homemade pizza - don't judge!) and again for lunch on today (leftovers...please don't laugh). I now need to pause in this story, to justify myself a bit. So here is what I consumed Friday, Saturday and Sunday:

Friday: Booster juice (the high protein pomegranate one), unsuccessfully tried to ingest 1 soft poached egg, 1/2 toast (threw it all up) 2 cups lemon tea, 2 oz BBQ chicken and green salad, frozen yogurt

Saturday: 1 cup coffee, 1 peach greek yogurt, 2/3 ramen, 1/2 piece of naan bread (homemade pizza), frozen yogurt

Sunday (today): 2 cups coffee, 1/4 piece of naan bread (homemade pizza), 1/4 goldfish (whole wheat), 1/2 blueberry pancake (we went to the sugar bush this morning and I bought maple syrop... hence the dinner), 2 sausages (puked some of that up), 1/2 cup tea.

I was sitting at the dinner table with my 2 1/2 year old and my almost 5 year old, watching them eat. My dinner was smaller than theirs. They can both out eat me. That is what I discovered tonight. I managed to eat those two sausages and the 1/2 pancake (which was small to begin with), and I got nauseous. I though, MF! Am I actually blocking again??? I mean I hadn't made it threw half the GD pancake. I was eating tiny bites AND I was going slow, super slow! What is it going to take.

Well once I was done puking and getting blueberry pancake out of my sinus', I had time to realize something. I was standing there watching the hubby do the dishes, feeling like death warmed over and I thought "huh.".

Well that's it. See ya next time folks...

Kidding. What I realized was that I have been marveling at how tiny my portions have gotten since the beginning, but especially in the last 3 weeks. However the fact remains that I am still eating too much. This adjustment is quite something. I am guessing that my total capacity at any given sitting is roughly... 3/4 to 1 cup of food. Now if you think that that is normal, I don't want to hear it. In the good ol' days that wasn't even a starch serving for me. Think about it. How much food (cup wise) do you actually consume at any given meal. I challenge you to really look at what you eat and comment back here. I want to know.

Like I told the hubby, up until now even though I had hard times after an adjustment, by the end of the month (by the next MD visit) I was eating slightly less but not I felt like I was mostly back to my food capacity before the adjustment. It was almost like I had had the gastric by-pass surgery and my stomach would just stretch back to it's original size. I am not feeling that way right now.

In the end, I don't know what the right answer is. At this point in time I will just try to eat easy foods (salad, ratatouille/curry like foods and ground meets - or yummy fresh fish!) and see how I do. Usually by the time I make it back to the doctor's I feel comfortable with my daily food routine. If I am still struggling come April 5, I will ask him what he thinks. I would be curious to know what my stomach capacity is right now.

Well I am off to the Dominican. Next post will be in a week or so, telling the amusing tales of Moriah trying to consume food on vaca... hope there's lots of fresh fish and veggies!

You take the good, you take the bad...

You take them both and there you have. Now it's stuck in my head. Damn it! That's what I get for being witty.

So here is the update; day three. I continued the liquid diet for sheer fear of no being able to consume semi-solid (let alone solid) foods. Damn! What if the Dr. was right? What if it was too big an jump? Whatever, I had a 2 cc adjustment when I had first had the surgery. What's a .7 cc adjustment right? Well, you all read how day two went (not exactly stellar). Day three was better. I had my shake this morning and I didn't block (Hooray!). I followed that up with a Grande, non-fat, vanilla latte. Then at around 10 or so, I had cottage cheese (which I ate beyond slow). I was kinda excited and shocked that I didn't block with that. Granted it was almost room temperature (and chewed and consumed at the thoroughness and  pace of a turtle). So I felt good going into lunch. I had more pea soup with crackers. Once again, I ate at the pace of a snail. It took me over 30 mins to consume 1/2 a can of Habitant pea soup. However by the end of that 30 mins, the soup was at best tepid and I was eating a cracker. Well it blocked. I vomited the cracker and last spoonful of soup and felt much better.

I got home and we had Tilapia, ratatouille and potato kale cakes on the menu for dinner. I figured what the hell. Ratatouille will go down easily and I can try my luck with the fish. Well, ladies and gentleman, I was successful!!! I think I ate maybe 3 oz of fish and 1 cup of ratatouille!! It was the best meal ever.

I hate the liquid diet. You spend your time not quite feeling satisfied. I mean I get a full feeling, but I am hungry way faster and more so than if I had eating solid foods. I guess in order to continue with my success, I should stick to soft foods. Maybe by the weekend I can have solid food. We shall see!

Careful what you ask for, you just might get it!

Day one... or is it day two? Day two, post fill: I got up this morning and was feeling particularly good. I thought, I had a big fill yesterday, let us not tempt fate. I shall have a smoothie for breakfast, and take it from there. So I made my wonderful smoothie and started drinking it around 8 am. I had been up for at least 2 hours by then, so I thought this will all be fine. After the first 3 sips, I realized that even a smoothie can block you. Who would have thunk it? Well as it turns out I was still too swollen from the adjustment and the waking up thing (everybody is swollen when they wake up), and the cold, well milkshake like consistency of the smoothie was not conducive to letting things slide down my esophagus. Actually the coldness constricted the passage and voila! Blockage followed by a rousing bout of vomiting.

I feel like this is a talent I have developed a special talent here people. Who else could possibly accomplish such a stunningly difficult feet? Well, not been as intelligent as others, I followed that stroke of genius up with going for lunch at the green door. It is a lovely vegetarian restaurant and I thought it would be the right place for me. I could have soft veggie food. Yummy. Well, once again, I took one, maybe two bites (despite the fact that I was eating tiny bites, drinking tea AND eating über slowly) and felt myself block. Damn it! I then had to puke in the most repulsive bathroom ever, and someone was in the other stall!

All that two say that day two has been a liquid diet day. And I don't foresee this pattern changing. I did want him to tighten my band significantly. I did want to feel the difference, experience results. And he did, and I do...and I am pretty sure I will.

Well, you will be pleased to know that I had Habitant pea soup for dinner. Made a spinach, asperagus and parmesean soup and have some leftover squash soup from the fall (frozen).

¡Olé! (yeah, that's for you Danielle)

Place your bets!

Off to the doctors I went today. I was going with the conviction that I would confess all and demand a refund... Granted he did not perform the surgery, but I am annoyed with the slow weight loss progress. It was time I come clean and confess to the last two weeks. Ahem, there may have been some chocolate. OKAY, lots of chocolate. Over the last two weeks I have had 2 slices of birthday cake, a bag of M&M and a bag of KitKat balls. But I didn't confess, I changed tactics.

So there I was in the doctors office. He asks the usual: "How's it going?". And I say... "Not bad. But I still feel that I can eat a fair amount". Of course he wants to know how much a fair amount is, and when I tell him he doesn't seem overly concerned. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you one and all that he is never overly concerned. I need more... Results! As he sat there explaining to me how everybody wants fast results and that men can loose weight quickly but woman can't; also that I am probably the kind of person that can just reduce calories but must take a holistic (exercise please) approach, I get ready to hit with the "Moriah Plan"! So he finishes his schpeel and I say...: "What I would really like is that you increase my fill from 5.8 to 6.5". At which point he stares at me (possibly exasperated) for a few seconds. He expressed his concerns about this whole "big jump"; warning that I could block and he would prefer not to. When I told him that it wouldn't, he wanted to know how I knew this. I don't know how I convinced him, but .7 cc's later, here I am.

I was on my liquid diet today. Better safe than sorry I suppose. I can really feel the restriction, but I was hungry today. I had a booster juice for breakfast, followed that up with a large soup from Green Rebel and a Grande Vanilla latte (non-fat) from Starbucks. Now comes dinner. What to do? I asked Kelly if she wanted to take bets I whether I would puke up chili or not (I really was feeling hungry by 3:30 pm that chili seemed like a good idea), but she would not go for it. Sigh. I totes should have taken the bet. I had roughly 1/2 cup of chili for dinner with a cup of tea. Granted it took me about 30 mins to eat that, who cares! It was delicious and I didn't vomit! Hooray.

Now let's see how day 2 goes; this is the biggest adjustment this doctor has done from me - not the biggest I have had, but the biggest he has done.

Despite the serious lack of results on the scale (I can hear my doctor telling me that it's not the scale that counts but your actual body), I am seeing that my body is changing... I bought size 22 jeans this weekend. That (for all you skinny, never been plus size before peeps) is 2 sizes smaller than what I was wearing. I can put them on without any problems. I would probably look better in a size 24, but I plan on looking good in these jeans shortly. Plus, they were $90 jeans on sale for $20! I need this way more!!! Now if only the scale would show me the money. That would be good.

P.S. I have a new mantra: "I will not eat chocolate; I will not eat chocolate". Repeat to infinity. God I love chocolate.

A shopping we will go

Saturday morning; kids have been to gymnastics; bought clothes for kids...what's that two stores over? Addition-Elle? Ok, I'll take a quick look. I am going somewhere warm. Maybe they have some summer clothes out. Well, 30 mins later I walked out of there with 3 t-shirts, 2 tank tops, and some unmentionables.  Oh, did I mention that they were a size down from what I normally buy? Yeah, that's right. I am pretty excited. I think I am in the next size down (almost). Guy says that the stuff I bought fit me better than what I have been wearing.

Ironically, I got dressed that morning feeling really good about how the clothes I was wearing fit me sooo much better. Then after trying on the smaller size and putting my clothes back on I was stunned. I mean I looked really crappy. My clothes is making me look... fat. There, I said it! Fat.

Anyways, I plan on not buying any dress pants till the fall. I will try to survive on skirts, dresses and (shutter, I know...) capris.

That's it for the happy news. Now on to the "god this is annoying" news.

Soooo I am not sure if I blogged about this, but I have pretty much concluded that the only way to eat is to preface all food with a hot beverage. Things have been going down much smoother since I started implementing this whole theory. Today I was home and had breakfast with no tea... and thought let us test to see if I really need the hot beverage or if just concentrating and eating slowly will do it. Is this really necessary, or am I just eating to quickly? So I had lunch with no tea. No, you don't get to judge. I ate über slowly; chewed everything to death; and was still quite sick. As a matter of fact, I have noted that I busted blood vessels all over my face. It's really bad. Man.

Anyway, I figure that the experiment was rather conclusive (my sciency friends will be so proud of me). I do need the hot beverage precursor to my meal. Lesson learned. Class dismissed.

Bad good news

Oh dear. I am almost at the end. I don't think I can keep this up much longer. Nothing good can come of this. MF! I mean I really wanted this and now? Now I can't really have it till the very end? OMG! Oh. My. God.

I almost lost my ring this evening while giving Anaïse her bath. I move my hand and my ring slips up and down my finger. I might have a few more weeks before I have to remove it for fear of losing it. And then it's off till I am done the majority of this weight loss. Sniff, sniff. Sniffle, SOB!

I'll be fine. Don't worry. I have to go cry now.

Not everything is about food... WHAT?

So I think that until the next adjustment/fill, whatever, I have got the whole eating thing down pat. Cup of tea before/with my meal; especially if it is not a hot meal.

But that's not what this is about. This is about the other stuff. I am taking a trip at the end of March. I can't even tell you how excited I am. So once the shock wore off, I realized that I had gotten rid of my summer clothes at the end of the summer last year. I knew this surgery was coming up and that I probably wouldn't fit into them anymore (at least I really, really hoped I wouldn't). So I am going down south for a week and I peek into my closet to see what I can find... Well, 1 bathing suit; check. I actually found a pair of capri that I miraculously did not throw out and some summer dresses I bought last March (thinking I was heading to Vegas) . Let me tell you about these dresses. They are cute. I wore them last summer a couple of times and as it turns out, I shouldn't have. They were tight at best, yet no one thought to mention that to me. I tried them on Sunday night and wow. They are actually loose on me now. One of the dresses still has the tags on it because I couldn't fit into it last year. Well, I can now!

This is pretty exciting stuff. It amazes me that on the one hand I experience that and am thrilled and excited to see my body change. I can feel that my "daily" clothes is fitting differently. It hangs more, things are much looser. But on the other hand, I look at myself and the person I see is not the person I feel like. I feel good. I might even feel...I can't think of the right words. But I know that I am even more outgoing and "flirty". But when I look at myself, I still see the fat, unattractive (ok, attractive but ugly bodied) person that I was 6 months ago. It's almost like there should be more results. The outer shell should match how I feel, but it most definitely doesn't. So weird.

I'm not really depressed about it, I just marvel at the human mind and how we process things. You hear people say that when a person looses weight, they need to learn to see themselves as they are, not as they were. I never thought that that would be a problem for me. Actually I still don't. I guess for me, it's more a realization that I don't like the body I currently own. And that was never a major problem before. My body was just that, the body I had. No it wasn't great but it wasn't changing, so accept and make the best of it. But now? Now I know it's going to keep changing. I am working so hard at this. Every time I need to put food into my body, it is effort and a whole lot of decisions. This isn't just miraculously happening on it's own. So I guess with all this effort and work, I expect more... evidence.

I noticed this week that my winter coat now actually is loose on me (YAY!). But I still don't actually look good in it (BOO). Like I say, it is quite a dichotomy.

So last time I gave a number I was at a 40 lb loss. I still don't know where I am at now. The scale varies so much from weigh in to weigh in that I literally have to wait a full month to really see my weight loss reflected on the scale. I am hoping to hit Puerto Plata and minus 50 pounds. We will see.

Lastly, I was at a birthday party this weekend for a friends daughter and of course other of her friends were there. People I have gotten to know over the years through this common friend. One of these ladies was saying how she was following my weight loss journey and read my blog all the time. I was totally stunned by this. I was amazed. I mean, yeah my close friends and family read it; they have to so that when I say did you see my blog, they can actually talk about it with me. I know that some of my extended family is following (love you all!) because they love and support me. But I never realized how far spread this could actually become. I mean I have 10 followers according to the blog. I think that is awesome! Keep reading! I find it absolutely incredible how interested people are in weight loss. Who would have thought it. Everybody lives their own struggle in the end. Nobody really gets to go about living (and more importantly eating) without having to weigh the pros and cons of every bite.

Huh. I've said it before, but I guess I realize it just a bit more everyday. This really is for life. This is just the beginning of a lifetime journey.

A shake for dinner

So I have been thinking about postings; not sure how frequently I should be posting. I mean maybe I should only be posting when I have something new to say, or should I be actually documenting all my "ups and downs". I was thinking the other day that despite the fact that I really didn't think this would be an emotional experience, it turns out is a friggin' emotional roller-coaster. If I were to post every experience this is giving me, I think it would go something like...

Day 1:
Blah, blah, blah normal day; nothing new.

Day 2:
This is so awesome, I love this experience. I am so excited and motivated!

Day 3:
WHY!?!? This isn't working! I suck. I can't do this!!

Then it would be a matter of mixing the three in random combinations. That would more or less describe this experience. I really do go from struggling to best day ever super motivated.

Today for example. Not really sure what happened. I had my coffee this am, followed by yogurt with honey roasted oats and cranberries and then lunch. I had 1/2 cup of lasagna for lunch and wasn't really feeling it, so I went and bought a tiny green salad to eat with it. I slowly ate my salad; it felt tight going down, but I thought nothing of it. Next thing I know, I am blocked followed shortly by pain and vomiting. Ever vomit in a public toilet (while NOT drunk)? It's repulsive (just for the record). Anyways, I then had nothing to eat (can't really get anything down post-vomiting due to swelling - i guess) so I grabbed a latte (mocha) and went back to work. Had a wicked headache by 3:30 and just wanted to be in bed. Canceled dinner with the fam (kids and Guy had to scramble for their own dinner) and had a smoothie for dinner. This is the second time in 5 days that this happens. With all I have been threw, I had never been sick at work. Now twice in 5 days. MF!

I am beginning to wonder if it is a result of stress (which there is no lack of right now). I can't figure out otherwise, why I am blocking.

What I can say, is right now I feel tired with all the effort. I feel like I have the blandest diet ever. I am happy with the results, but the struggle is... well, tiring.

Later, gator.

40 and counting

No, that is not my age; Thank you very much! I am officially down 40 whole, entire and most complete pounds. When I went to the doctors on Monday they measured me and said I had lost 2 inches off my hips. I must confess that that impressed me less but them more. However, yesterday morning I weighed in at minus 40lbs!!! I have 8 pounds to go before I hit my first major milestone, and 10 pounds to go till I have lost 50lbs.

So as of now, I am averaging about 10 lbs a month. Not bad *sniff*, not bad at all (I am quoting Notting Hill there...). If I can manage to keep this up, by October 25 (my one year anniversary) I will have lost a total of 120 lbs! Mother of Pearl. Let's see how it all plays out.

Happy as a clam

So I went to see the doctor this morning. He is quite satisfied with my progress. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhh! I have lost two inches around my hips and that seems to keep him happy. I expressed my concerns and he said that it was a slow progress (and that's how it should be). He also pointed out that if I was losing weight as quickly as the lady in the blog I read, that it was unhealthy and could affect muscle blah, blah. The long and the short of it was that I needed to be patient. He actually wrote that in my chart! This from a man who did my fill today and only put in .3 cc! I am now officially at 5.8 cc. I mean, really? He says that between 5.5 and 6.5 is "the sweet spot" for weight loss. He couldn't just put me up to 6 cc? I guess not. I repeat,  sigh.

I also spoke to the nurse about my diet and again, I seem to be on track. She just went over the program a bit with me today, to refresh my memory.  I will be journal my food intake, and I will be very specific about quantities. Measure everything! I have a follow up appointment with her in two weeks - accountability and all that. But overall she said that I was doing really well.

Apparently you should "jump start" your system as early as possible. Eat protein breakfast and go from there. I eat roughly 5 times a day, small quantities. I can't really really on when I am hungry, because I rarely am. I have to think of it as fueling the machine. Not eating. Weird. The reason I say this is because I would barely eat if I went solely on hunger and that wouldn't be healthy either. The doctor was saying that if he had his preference people were eat the majority of their food in the earlier part of the day and have a very light/small dinner. Which let's be honest, is not really the North American way. 

So my goal is to eat something like this:

Protein shake
Grande Latte (I need something warm before I can even contemplate solid food)
Yogurt or cheese
Lunch
Water
3pm protein snack (no matter if I'm hungry or not)
Dinner
Water

I should mention that getting my water in is rather challenging because I am not suppose to drink any liquids 1 hour prior to, during and 1.5 hours post eating. Which boils down to never. I usually get 700 ml in the evening (just over 2 glasses) so I am trying to drink another 2 glasses in the afternoon.

As I was saying, I had a bit of a fill today. Honestly I didn't really notice the difference until dinner. I did the whole liquid diet thing till dinner tonight (smoothie for breakfast, latte, then a lovely cream of asparagus from green rebel). It was all fine and filling. For dinner we had chili. I totally measured out my portion and served myself 1 cup. I may have eaten 1/2 of that. And I noticed the restriction. I am not sure if it is because it was just done today and still swollen or if it really will be that restrictive. I'll let you know. Tomorrow will be soft foods only. A step up from liquids.

So that brings me right back to where I was yesterday. I need to make sure that I remember to be patient, I also need to just live this experience and not put any expectations on it (easier said than done).

Taking control... sorta, mostly, maybe.

So it was a rough week. So many contributing factors. We had a really big meeting at work this week, I started my period today (I know cliche, but true) and I was really struggling with the whole food, weight loss (or lack there of) thing. I haven't really been posting much because I have had to really think.

And miracle of miracles, I feel pretty good right now. I talked a lot with my support group (Kelly) and between her encouragement and the changes I am making and everything I have done I feel good. I see my doctor on Monday and have also booked time with the nurse.

It all comes down to the following (maybe all of you have figured this out,  but clearly I am slow on the food fact uptakes):

I've said it before, but I really really understand it. It's an equation. You can't put more food in than you burn. Ok. Fine. So what am I doing about that you say? Well, I have spent the last week journaling my food. Everything I consumed, I wrote down. It really is quite revealing, and makes you a little more hesitant on whether or not you really want to eat something. Also made me realize that I am not eating too horribly. But I will discuss all that with the nurse on Monday.

Another thing I realize is that when I am about to have my period, there will be no weight loss. sigh. So I am taking pictures tonight (please forgive the whole look) and hoping to see a slight difference. I am looking forward to Monday. I will be measured, and I will try to get some answers. After that appointment, I will decide whether or not I need to maybe go see a dietitian (at the OGH weight loss clinic).

OMG! I just looked at my picture from tonight. God, all I had to do was look at my pictures to see that there is progress happening. I have a collar bone! Holy SHIT! Anyways, all that to say that I am feeling good, I shouldn't compare myself to others (clearly an impossible task for me) and my journey will be what is will be.

Hope you enjoy these pictures as much as I did. First one is Oct 2010, second one is Jan 5, 2011, third one is January 24 and the fourth one is merely two weeks later (and oh what a difference) On Feb 5, 2011. BTW the last pictures I am wearing the official take a picture outfit.

Collar bone people, a freaking visible collar bone!!!

*Sigh*

Ok, so I haven't been vocal for about a week. Like a mention quite frequently, even when I think I am doing well, I'm not. I haven't lost any weight for a while now. I put in all this effort with the recipes and the healthy eating AAAAAANNNNNDDDD... Nothing. Guy pointed out a few things and I have mostly spent the week trying to figure things out and not throw to big a pity party.

I finally found a blog from someone who had this surgery and I find out a lot of information. I have a lot of my hypotheses confirmed but I also get quite depressed at her success rate and at the serious lack of my success. I find myself frustrated and well, as close to depressed as I can get.

Things I learned:

• Like me, this woman could only comfortably eat ground beef, fish, chicken (a little more challenging)
• When you've had an adjustment, you are suppose to go on a liquid diet (not sure if this is protocol or just her way of coping)
• There is such a thing as a productive burp (not quite vomiting) and when this occurs back to liquid diet
• Should you have this happen too frequently you can end up in a cycle of eating and vomiting (huh, kinda like my weekend a couple of weeks ago)

Things that totally depressed me:

• At 3 1/2 almost 4 months she had lost roughly 60 lbs ( I am at just under 4 months)
• The foods she describes don't sound terribly healthy (compared to what I am making)

One of the biggest (and hardest) lessons I have had to learn is not to compare myself to others... Clearly it's something I am still working on. Like I said before, I think it would be incredibly embarrassing to fail at weight loss surgery, right? So as I was saying earlier, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Who knows. I think I need to talk to my physician about this and see if he is concerned or not. Also, I think that even though my portions are way smaller than they were, I need to really monitor this. I wonder how big a portion I should be eating. Am I still eating to much. Lastly, I think I really, really, really have to be strict with the foods I consume. I don't really eat crap anymore, but when I go out with co-workers or friends, I will still get fries and deep fried foods. This sounds really bad - maybe it is, but I don't eat a whole serving, ever. Max is 1/2 a serving. Nonetheless, good bye all deep fried food. Last thing I should probably eliminate is pizza. Again, I rarely eat this, but on occaision (like Friday night), we didn't have the girls and I didn't know what to have for dinner. So we got pizza. I only had a slice, but I guess it's still bad.

That being said, here's the other stuff I did. I now always 3 choices for breakfast, although time wise breakfast is hard to manage. I usually find myself eating whatever I brought around 11 am. Then lunch an hour later. Huh, just thought of something. My food now usually goes something like this:
07:00 (ish) - Smoothie
08:30 (ish) - Grande vanilla latte (non-fat, no foam)
11:00 (ish) - yogurt with granola and cranberries or mini frittata
12:15 - lunch
2:30 - usually peckish by now. might have nuts or one of those 100 cal cookie sacks or another latte
5:30 - dinner
7:30 - frozen yogurt

I will point this out to my physician. I really am curious as to what my portion sizes should be.

Dinners this week? Beet spaghetti (not a great success), Fouplant coconut curry, Tilapia-ratatouille- macaroni, thursday out for dinner with friends, Firday pizza (already confessed to this above), Saturday, dinner at friends (main was lasagna with a spinach salad). Can't for the life of me remember anything else. 

So part of want I wanted to share was how exhausting I find "healthy" eating. I spent the day cooking again. I don't see this ending anytime soon. If I want to be successful, I need to have meals I can eat that are healthy and ready to make or at least quick to make. Ergo, I made sausage and green peas (nice recipe - took a good 1.5 hrs for the peas to actually be fully cooked), I made a red lentil curry and 2 lasagnas (one of which we had for dinner tonight). I spent a total of 6 hours cooking today. Holy Crap! That's like a short day compared to last week. Next weekend I plan on making this crazy chili and some meatloaf on top of that. My spaghetti sauce is still there, so I don't have to make that again. The ratatouille needs to be made again. And I still have 1 supper's worth of Fouplant coconut curry. Then I will have to make that again too. I also need to find other recipes that will work for us. These recipes have to be pretty spectacular; the kids have to eat them, I have to be able to eat them and they have to be healthy. Sigh.

I think I will be a little challenged this week. I have a 3 day meeting starting tomorrow. These meetings are long and slightly arduous. And when I am bored, I eat; the biggest challenge however will be that the food doesn't really work for me. I might just end up brown bagging these meetings. We will see.

I guess in the end, all I can really say is that I can't wait to see my doctor. However, as possibly mentioned before, he is pretty laisser-faire. So I don't know how helpful this will be. Yay Feb 7!

Someone did ask about pictures... I tried to take some, when was that... last week? Anyways the battery in the camera needed to be charged and I still haven't done it. I will do so when I feel less... dissatisfied.

Fouplant Coconut Curry... wowza!

Well Fou, you're a genius!!! I made your recipe on Saturday and was slightly concerned. I mean when I tasted your lunch the other day it was delicious. But when I followed your recipe the results were slightly... iffy. I mean it was freakin' spicy (I have to feed this to little humans)! And the dish didn't taste well rounded. I don't ever make curries, so I had no idea how to fix it. In the end I just put it in the fridge when it was done cooking.

Sunday evening came along and we were having Fouplant coconut curry. I mean I wasn't wasting the money right? I pan fried some chicken and added the curry to the chicken. Reheat. Serve with a tiny side of couscous and some naan bread. WOW! BAM! It was delicious!!! Turns out that I had pepper juice on my fingers on saturday, so when I tasted the curry... well juice transfer. Curry was perfect; just needed a little salt. Anaïse looooooooooved it. Wanted seconds. We all loved it.

In case you missed that, I had couscous and naan AND I didn't vomit. PROPS!!! I ate it really slowly and made sure to be cautious. So good.

Also, as I mentioned the last post I went out for breakfast with my friends. In the end Kelly couldn't make it so I did not have to tell her she was a nut bar (I love you Kelly). I did walk a tiny itty bit though, so she should be happy (it was practically -40 with the wind chill...). Breakfast was delicious and went down without any problems either.

I can't tell if I am getting used to the restriction that I am now at, but I don't actually feel really restricted. I mean the last two days I have been more hungry than normal. I will be getting a fill done on Feb 7, so I will talk to the doctor then.

I wanted to take some more photos tonight... see if I could see a difference from the last shots (a little pick me up hopefully), however my battery is dead. It will have to wait till tomorrow. Bummer.