*Sigh*

Ok, so I haven't been vocal for about a week. Like a mention quite frequently, even when I think I am doing well, I'm not. I haven't lost any weight for a while now. I put in all this effort with the recipes and the healthy eating AAAAAANNNNNDDDD... Nothing. Guy pointed out a few things and I have mostly spent the week trying to figure things out and not throw to big a pity party.

I finally found a blog from someone who had this surgery and I find out a lot of information. I have a lot of my hypotheses confirmed but I also get quite depressed at her success rate and at the serious lack of my success. I find myself frustrated and well, as close to depressed as I can get.

Things I learned:

• Like me, this woman could only comfortably eat ground beef, fish, chicken (a little more challenging)
• When you've had an adjustment, you are suppose to go on a liquid diet (not sure if this is protocol or just her way of coping)
• There is such a thing as a productive burp (not quite vomiting) and when this occurs back to liquid diet
• Should you have this happen too frequently you can end up in a cycle of eating and vomiting (huh, kinda like my weekend a couple of weeks ago)

Things that totally depressed me:

• At 3 1/2 almost 4 months she had lost roughly 60 lbs ( I am at just under 4 months)
• The foods she describes don't sound terribly healthy (compared to what I am making)

One of the biggest (and hardest) lessons I have had to learn is not to compare myself to others... Clearly it's something I am still working on. Like I said before, I think it would be incredibly embarrassing to fail at weight loss surgery, right? So as I was saying earlier, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Who knows. I think I need to talk to my physician about this and see if he is concerned or not. Also, I think that even though my portions are way smaller than they were, I need to really monitor this. I wonder how big a portion I should be eating. Am I still eating to much. Lastly, I think I really, really, really have to be strict with the foods I consume. I don't really eat crap anymore, but when I go out with co-workers or friends, I will still get fries and deep fried foods. This sounds really bad - maybe it is, but I don't eat a whole serving, ever. Max is 1/2 a serving. Nonetheless, good bye all deep fried food. Last thing I should probably eliminate is pizza. Again, I rarely eat this, but on occaision (like Friday night), we didn't have the girls and I didn't know what to have for dinner. So we got pizza. I only had a slice, but I guess it's still bad.

That being said, here's the other stuff I did. I now always 3 choices for breakfast, although time wise breakfast is hard to manage. I usually find myself eating whatever I brought around 11 am. Then lunch an hour later. Huh, just thought of something. My food now usually goes something like this:
07:00 (ish) - Smoothie
08:30 (ish) - Grande vanilla latte (non-fat, no foam)
11:00 (ish) - yogurt with granola and cranberries or mini frittata
12:15 - lunch
2:30 - usually peckish by now. might have nuts or one of those 100 cal cookie sacks or another latte
5:30 - dinner
7:30 - frozen yogurt

I will point this out to my physician. I really am curious as to what my portion sizes should be.

Dinners this week? Beet spaghetti (not a great success), Fouplant coconut curry, Tilapia-ratatouille- macaroni, thursday out for dinner with friends, Firday pizza (already confessed to this above), Saturday, dinner at friends (main was lasagna with a spinach salad). Can't for the life of me remember anything else. 

So part of want I wanted to share was how exhausting I find "healthy" eating. I spent the day cooking again. I don't see this ending anytime soon. If I want to be successful, I need to have meals I can eat that are healthy and ready to make or at least quick to make. Ergo, I made sausage and green peas (nice recipe - took a good 1.5 hrs for the peas to actually be fully cooked), I made a red lentil curry and 2 lasagnas (one of which we had for dinner tonight). I spent a total of 6 hours cooking today. Holy Crap! That's like a short day compared to last week. Next weekend I plan on making this crazy chili and some meatloaf on top of that. My spaghetti sauce is still there, so I don't have to make that again. The ratatouille needs to be made again. And I still have 1 supper's worth of Fouplant coconut curry. Then I will have to make that again too. I also need to find other recipes that will work for us. These recipes have to be pretty spectacular; the kids have to eat them, I have to be able to eat them and they have to be healthy. Sigh.

I think I will be a little challenged this week. I have a 3 day meeting starting tomorrow. These meetings are long and slightly arduous. And when I am bored, I eat; the biggest challenge however will be that the food doesn't really work for me. I might just end up brown bagging these meetings. We will see.

I guess in the end, all I can really say is that I can't wait to see my doctor. However, as possibly mentioned before, he is pretty laisser-faire. So I don't know how helpful this will be. Yay Feb 7!

Someone did ask about pictures... I tried to take some, when was that... last week? Anyways the battery in the camera needed to be charged and I still haven't done it. I will do so when I feel less... dissatisfied.

Fouplant Coconut Curry... wowza!

Well Fou, you're a genius!!! I made your recipe on Saturday and was slightly concerned. I mean when I tasted your lunch the other day it was delicious. But when I followed your recipe the results were slightly... iffy. I mean it was freakin' spicy (I have to feed this to little humans)! And the dish didn't taste well rounded. I don't ever make curries, so I had no idea how to fix it. In the end I just put it in the fridge when it was done cooking.

Sunday evening came along and we were having Fouplant coconut curry. I mean I wasn't wasting the money right? I pan fried some chicken and added the curry to the chicken. Reheat. Serve with a tiny side of couscous and some naan bread. WOW! BAM! It was delicious!!! Turns out that I had pepper juice on my fingers on saturday, so when I tasted the curry... well juice transfer. Curry was perfect; just needed a little salt. Anaïse looooooooooved it. Wanted seconds. We all loved it.

In case you missed that, I had couscous and naan AND I didn't vomit. PROPS!!! I ate it really slowly and made sure to be cautious. So good.

Also, as I mentioned the last post I went out for breakfast with my friends. In the end Kelly couldn't make it so I did not have to tell her she was a nut bar (I love you Kelly). I did walk a tiny itty bit though, so she should be happy (it was practically -40 with the wind chill...). Breakfast was delicious and went down without any problems either.

I can't tell if I am getting used to the restriction that I am now at, but I don't actually feel really restricted. I mean the last two days I have been more hungry than normal. I will be getting a fill done on Feb 7, so I will talk to the doctor then.

I wanted to take some more photos tonight... see if I could see a difference from the last shots (a little pick me up hopefully), however my battery is dead. It will have to wait till tomorrow. Bummer.

No witty title...

So last we spoke, I spent two days throwing up. Well I took that Tuesday off. I was so soar from all the vomiting, there was no way I was trying to swallow food at work, and hoping I wouldn't vomit. I then passed the remainder of the week disaster free. Yay!

So I am still suffering from some serious pain in my chest and throat. I think it's from all my "physical activities" on Monday and Tuesday. Today, for whatever reason, I am hiccuping and I can't tell you how freaking painful that is. I think I stained muscles (during my vomit fests).

Conclusions? No starch, or very little. Flat breads (if I really, really need bread products!). No matter how slow I chew, I should be chewing slower; which is actually slightly depressing. I take more time to eat a meal than anyone I know (now that is), and I still am going to fast? It took me a solid 20 mins to eat 1/2 a piece of pizza last night. I threw out the rest because we had to go pick up the girls and I wasn't feeling too good, BUT I was still hungry. MF! Oh well.

Other "fall out" from Sunday and Monday? I spent well over 2 hours this week looking for recipes for lapband/Moriah friendly foods. This involved finding the recipe, ensuring that I had complete meals (so menu design for the next two weeks), then adding the ingredients to my grocery list. Would you like to wager how much my grocery bill for two weeks was? Oh, I'll tell you alright...roughly $450! WTF?!?!? And what does this buy you, you ask? Well, I really don't know.

Today got up, went to gymnastics with the girls, then we headed out to Loblaws (Costco was done last night, kid free). Bought all that...stuff (with $60 worth of veg alone!) and brought it home to put away and cook. I made these little individual size frittatas (with spinach, mushroom, onions, peppers and goats cheese). They will be great for breakfast during the week. I also made a spaghetti sauce ~ how is that good for you? Oh, I put zucchini, mushrooms, carrots and peppers in it (aside from the normal onions, garlic and ground beef). Sooooo good. Also, spaghetti has the added bonus of being a food I can eat without pain. Then I made a recipe my friend gave me: Fouplant coconut curry (eggplant, zuccini, tomato etc...). I'm going to pair that up with chicken and some couscous (will see how that goes down), can also have it with naan bread. So versitile Fou, you are a genius! While doing all that, I prepped the food for tonight's dinner and prepped the start of another dinner (Farro Spaghetti, with beets, brown butter and poppy seeds). I still have a couple of lentil dishes to make tomorrow, but as I was cleaning up, Guy pointed out to me that I had bought yellow and green peas - Not lentils (please insert f-bomb here).

Things I haven't made but are on the list to consume? Well, I bought myself some vanilla yogurt which I will pair with oats and cranberries... yum! Or I'll make one of my famous (only to me) smoothies. That's three whole breakfast options that don't consist of food I can't eat. WOW! Also on the to do list... chili. I know, most of you already eat this stuff but it is not a dish I eat. I found a really interesting recipe that has dark chocolate and sausage. How bad can it be?

OMG! Get this, I am going for breakfast with a few friends tomorrow and I am driving in with my friend Kelly... So she suggests we leave a bit early and park 20 mins away from the restaurant so we can get a walk in first. Ok, now I am trying to make lifestyle changes and be good, but that just is too much! I mean, I am going to get ready, do my hair and makeup and then you want me to sweat? Really?  I love you to pieces Kelly but that is just crazy talk. AND I think that I can't exercise  tomorrow because it's the day of rest! God told me not to, hellooooo? Talk to me when we are back at work being miserable. I'll go then!

Ok, that's it for now. You're welcome, one completely disjointed UNEDITED blog.

Clearly not.

So, I am an idiot. I made stirfry for dinner. It was delicious. I started with a sesame oil base, added garlic and onions. To this we added kikoman soya sauce and some chicken. Then the veg: baby corn,  red peppers, mushrooms and baby bok choi. Threw it all on a bit of rice, then rounded it off with some peanut butter. Delicious! I ate slowly, felt things get uncomfortable, so I stopped and waited for it to pass. And then I spent the better part of the last hour throwing up.

I think I mentioned a few posts ago that I was terrified of rice? Well, I got over it. I thought that if I took my time and chewed, chewed, chewed my way through it I would be fine. WRONG! So at this program, they told me that it would be a bit challenging at first to eat rice. They should have mentioned that one ought to avoid rice, bread and all starches forever more! I mean I can eat pasta. It's mostly a trouble free food for me. But all other starches... scary. I guess that's just one more lesson learned.

I am now sitting here eating some ice cream. Hoping that the pain will go away.

Two days in a row now. Really? All I really want is to take a day off and chill. Alas, not going to happen.

Hope I make it to the other side of this whole order. I mean, how much will it suck if I fail at weight loss surgery? I feel like crap right now, but still don't regret my decision. I just wish it came with more info.
Oh for "explicit" sake (I realized the other day that it is mostly my friends and FAMILY that read this... censor, censor, censor!)!

Seriously folks, if you know anyone struggling with weight loss, feel free to share my blog with them.

That's all for now. I just don't have the energy. My chest is soar.

Love ya!

Will I ever get the hang of this???

Wow the roller coaster ride that has been the last 3 days!

On Friday I got up and had my usual am food. Smoothie, grande vanilla latte (non fat, no foam), two pieces of cheese at about 10:30 am. I didn't really eat much more than that because I knew that we were going to Baton Rouge for a farewell lunch (actually, 3 farewell lunches) at 11:30. When I got to Baton Rouge (BR), my friend Tia and I decided to share a lunch. Ever been to BR? The portions are mammoth sized. Now don't get me wrong, I used to be able to go and eat a plate no problem but I am realistic and I know that this IS a restrictive device I am using. Potions have definitely changed. So we chose the BBQ chicken plate. Our sides? Fries and a ceaser salad.  I was so proud of myself. I ate that half plate and was the last of 20 people to finish eating. I was amazed that I finished last when everyone around me ate a full plate of food and I only ate a half.  AND I wasn't even trying to be the slowest. Yeah me! I was just eating at a pace that would not have me puking. I think we all need a minute here to realize that 3 months ago I would have been the first person finished and would have spent a lot of time waiting on others!!!

That evening I went out for dinner with a friend. At Guy's suggestion we went to a tapas style restaurant. Brilliant really. All food is gauged so that you can share and the experience is such that you eat slowly and small amounts. It's really the perfect place for me because in sharing the food I can get a bigger variety than just ordering my own dish. I love variety. Again, it was a slow easy meal and no puking. Props for me! I rounded off the evening meeting friends at the pub and sharing 2 beers (they are working on me being able to drink beer). I was quite please with Friday. Hey, I didn't puke, I didn't over eat and it was much cheaper over all!

Saturday was fine. Coffee, most of a Tim Horton's breakfast sandwich (on an english muffin). I have no idea what I had for lunch... oh yeah, left overs from my tilapia/ratatouille/kale-potato cakes dinner. Then I went to a friends house to watch movies all day. Back in the day, a girl movie day involved incredible and ridiculous amounts of food indulgence. All chocolate and chips and yummy hors d'oeuvres type foods. Soooo good. Well yesterdays feast involved a hot chocolate, fruit and chocolate dip and a cup of tea. We then headed to my place to watch the last movie and ordered a small pizza. The end. It was iffy for a minute as I ate, but the discomfort passed and I was fine. The main point of the day was that I went out for a walk. All by myself, in the middle of a snow storm without any coercion. It was actually my idea! I was planning on naming this post "Walking with Muse". I had smart and witty things to say. I was walking to Absolution, it took 6 songs to walk my chosen "parcour", which means a total walking time of 21.05 mins or 1.6 km, if you will. Yay. Again, I was really proud - still am I guess. What I took away from yesterday was that I have to turn this anomaly into a frequent recurrence. 

For the last two days I have felt good and in control. I felt like I was getting the hang of all this eating/weight loss  stuff. Then I got up today. I came downstairs and read for a bit. As Guy and the girls went outside to shovel, I decided to make a fried egg sandwich. I had a piece of cheese as I waited and a gulp of OJ. That was my first mistake. Cold juice closes up the whole passage. I know better. But there I was. The discomfort seemed to pass and I made my breakfast. I sat down and had my first bite of the sandwich, then the second. I may have eaten a third of the half sandwich. Then I knew I was in trouble. I hadn't had my coffee or anything warm like a tea. So I hurried and made myself a cup of tea. To little to late. I tried to drink the tea so that things would loosen up, but it was no use. I then was sick and managed to throw up everything I had downed. You have to understand that it takes a lot of time and pain to accomplish that. Then I sat down and drank my tea. Then a second cup. I tried to eat a couple bites of kraft dinner (part of the girls' lunch), but I could feel it blocking as well. No matter, I wasn't really hungry after the whole vomitting ordeal anyways. Now I sit here typing, finishing a raspberry/banana smoothie just to have something nutritional in my system.

Sigh. Like I said, I thought I had the hang of this. I even toasted the bread for my fried egg sandwich (that makes it easier to consume). While talking to Guy after I realized a few things. I can more or less kiss bread goodbye. I need to clarify how painful and challenging a task that is. I LOVE bread. I mean, I can remember doing groceries and laughing about the 10-12 bread products I was going home with. I have barely eaten bread since this surgery, but I just figured it would come eventually. I don't think that now. I mean, my diet has changed soooo much. Not because I am trying to lose weight (which I am), but because my body can't consume anything else. I wonder if it's like this for everyone that gets this surgery. So what can't my body handle? Items I am definitely going to avoid?

• Red meat (goodbye beef, porc etc)
• Bread (I am still in denial)

I don't really know what else. But I know that I now want vegetables. I am always checking to make sure the restaurant has a nice fish options (and no, salmon is not what I want). I never, ever wanted fish. Yuk. Thank god I spent the last few years trying to learn to like fish. It is the easiest protein to eat, for me now. I can eat chicken, but it is a challenge.

I had no idea that the surgery would make me adopt all that healthy eating that "they" tell you you should be eating (wow that is a horrible sentence). I know that this is a good thing, and yet, it doesn't feel that way. I feel like my food options have been incredibly reduced. Guy says that I managed to quit drinking coke, therefor everything else should be a walk in the park. But I don't really feel that I am left with too many options. I NEED options. I don't know what to eat. How to eat. It's not like I can just avoid it till I can figure it out, right?

On the bright side, I am watching the pounds melt off of me. Albeit slowly, they are disappearing. I am down another 3 lbs I think. But I also caution myself, you can't trust the scale!

Veggie recipies...

Well it's official. Today was a horror/gong show. Daycare was closed till 12 pm today, so naturally I took the day off to spend time with my two lovely daughters. Wow. Intense. Imogene was good today, except for her annoying tendency to question every move I made - literally. Anaïse on the other hand, felt that she would do the exact opposite of what I asked, if I said put on a sweater she didn't want to. If I said that's fine, don't put on the sweater, she screamed and cried to put on the sweater. That's how she was all day, no matter what. I really thanked god all day for daycare, and daycare providers.

The point of this story is that I tried out three of the recipes I was hunting for on Sunday. So today between 12:30 and 5:30 I made ratatouille, potato/kale cakes and a lime-chili talapia. It was all delicious. I love ratatouille, but holy F*@K it's time consuming to make! Thankfully I was able to freeze three 1L jars of it for use later on. This is the kind of meal I want to be eating, but it took 5 hours to make. Shiiiiit. That's a lot of prepping, and really difficult to manage after work. How can I eat delicious food like this and work? One of my major problems is not being able to eat much. So if it takes 5 hours to make a meal, we won't be eating till 9pm, 10 pm if I'm realistic. That is clearly not going to work. Random thought here, but can you freeze lentils? I actually froze all the extra potato/kale cakes to make at a later date.

Today was a weird day food wise. I find that when I am at work, I am famished but can't eat much due to the am restrictions. I can't eat anything solid till around lunch time. All I really have in the morning is a Grande, non-fat, no foam, vanilla latte. A yogurt around 10:30 and a piece of soft cheese if I am hungry before lunch. On and off I have been making a "smoothie" to drink on my way to work (remind me to tell you all about the protein I now add, yay). But even that is hard to swallow. Apparently I am still to swollen post sleep (everybody swells during sleep, did you know that???). Then it's lunch and as we know, I am limited in what I can actually eat. But while at work, I am much more conscious of food and the want there of.

This morning, I had a nice cup of tea (seems to un-swell my insides), 2 pieces of cheese and 2 crackers (the crackers ended up blocking, but it passed with no puking). Then the girls and I went outside for a walk and to play in the park. When we came back in, they had a half sandwhich with some cream of mushroom soup. I had roughly 1 cup of soup. Then dinner (which you have already heard all about). It just seems like so little. I don't know. I really have no idea how much I should be consuming. I ask the doctor and all he says is that what is important is that I am reducing my portions and feeling satiated. He doesn't seem to like to commit to a detail. He's very vague.

Today my ring seems to spin around my finger. I guess that's a good thing, however I really hope it's just that the cold. I know the ring will have to get sized eventually, but I am not ready for that to happen now. I mean how many times will I have to do that? It can't be good for the ring. I really want to be able to go further before I have to start that whole rigmarole.

This post seems very spastic and schyzophrenic (I can't believe that isn't a word!). But there it is. I have nothing else to say.

Okay, I lied. I am super excited to be going out tomorrow night for dinner. Will let you know how it goes.

Why choose this?

I apologize from from the get go. I am pretty sure that (as in the past) I will, throughout this whole ordeal, reference my friend Kelly a lot. She's this fabulous women that I love to hang out with. She's really shy and quiet... NOT! She is a strong, OPINIONATED, outspoken, fun-loving woman that is living her own weight loss journey right now. We have taken two completely different approaches, but talk a lot about the whole experience. She's like my own personal support group. AND she spends most of her days giving me grief, forcing me to do better and strive for more. I am quite certain that this wouldn't be nearly as... "easy" without her. She's my sounding board, so you'll hear me reference her... TONS. Also, being who I am there may be a touch of sarcasm when I do loosely quote her.

A friend from high school messaged me after one of my posts and gave me some really great comments, she also asked how I ended up deciding to have the surgery. So that's what I think I will try to answer. I say try, because I really don't have a clear epiphany kind of moment when the universe spoke to me and there it was, the solution! No, it was more like a winding road that I followed and ended up here. Blogging, with a tube wrapped around my stomach.

I guess I should mention that I am not against plastic surgery. I have had laser eye surgery (and now live a happy glasses-free existence), electrolysis and laser hair removal. I am not against the idea of having my breast lifted (not implants, just a course correction for my boobs, 'cause clearly mother nature took a wrong turn after 2 kids and all this weight). Maybe get a tummy tuck after all this is done, but I am hoping that with the slow weight loss route I have chosen, that won't be necessary. WTF does that have to due with why I chose this surgery, well lets see.

I was tired of failing. I have been trying to lose weight for as long as I can remember. My mother has been watching what I put in my mouth since forever, and God bless her but she would say that should couldn't understand why I couldn't just eat fruit for a weekend and lose 5 lbs like her. Have you met my mom? She did not spend her life as one of the fluffy people. BTW I don't blame my mom at all. She did her best and only wanted the best for me. This is not about her. This is about me. I was always slightly/quite overweight. Like I was saying, I tried everything. As I became an adult I even spent money trying to lose weight. Gym memberships, diets, diet books, shakes. God I even suffered the humiliation of being one of the many who did weight watchers. And in the end no matter what I did, my ultimate result was maybe a 10 pound weight loss. And I worked HARD. My husband has always been supportive, to the point of following (with greater success) any of my cockamamie diets that were THE solution  - at least for that moment. But I have never succeeded. I never even came close. It's depressing.

Eventually I realized that I needed something that would work. Something that I could not fail at. That's how I ended up back at the surgery notion. Back you say? Well, roughly ten years ago I decided to put my name on a list to have the gastric bypass surgery. I went down for a consultation (in T.) with the surgeon, and he said that I was a candidate for the surgery (hooray!), but the waiting list was three to four years long (boo!). But, if I wanted, I could have the lapband surgery in a matter of months (hooray!); however that procedure wasn't covered by OHIP so it would cost me roughly $20,000 (boo!). In the end, I chose to put my name on the four year wait list to get the free surgery (shockingly I did not have a spare $20K lying around looking for a purpose).

They never called. I guess that that was a good thing. I mean, one of my concerns was what if I wanted to have kids? Would it be safe? So life happened. I never got that call and eventually had 2 kids. So I have abused my body to the max, right? Lose this weight and short of menopause, I have no reason to gain it back.

So two years ago (February 2009) I was at home on mat leave. I was finding it particularly rough (I am so not a stay at home mom) and spent a few months re-evaluating my life and what I really wanted out of it, who I wanted to be. One of the conclusions I came to was that I couldn't continue down this road. I have always been incredibly healthy, but how long was that going to continue for? I was reticent about traveling, I mean how shameful would it be if I didn't fit into the plane seat (how embarrassing is it to admit that that might be a problem)? And really, I didn't want it to limit me with my girls. I always make a huge effort to ensure that my weight problems don't affect them, but again, that would eventually catch up to me and stop me. And the sappy reasons like, being around for their wedding day. But really, I want to shop. I know this sounds so unbelievably shallow, but that fact of the matter is I LOVE clothes, fashion and shopping. I don't want to be limited. I can't wait for this blog to morph from weight loss journey to shopping journey. That is what I really want! So I called around (in Quebec) and found several places and placed my name on their lists. But really I chose D-Ville for the fact that their wait list was only 1 1/2 years long. I followed up six months later, only to find out that my name was never put on the list the first time. Rectified that and ended up going for my first visit in June. By October 25, 2010 I had had my surgery.

So for now I just marvel at how my perceptions are changing. How my relationship with food is changing. As I mentioned in a previous post, I used to love savoring food. The texture, the taste, the combination of flavors - all so wonderful. I would eat for the love and taste. But now I just struggle through a meal without eating to fast, or not chewing enough. The end result always being a good puke session (which, frankly sucks and is reason enough to do it right). I had a bag of chips today at lunch (Please do NOT tell Kelly, I will never hear the end of it!), and I was unable to eat the rest of my lunch 'cause it filled me right up. Unheard of (in my previous "food life"). Also, the bag was one of those small ones (but not the smallest one), however I ate without thinking (literally mindless eating) and next thing I know, I am beyond stuffed AND I think I might puke... oh yeah, did not chew properly and ended up almost blocking.

So tonight we had "fajita" salad. Best meal I have had all week. If this keeps up, I really am going to end up vegenese (a.k.a vegetarian). All I really want is meals with lentil dishes (like when you go for the vegetarian platter at the Ethiopian restaurant) or ratatouille. P.S. I will gladly accept all AWESOME veggy dishes. This means that it must be a dish, with a recipe. Not just... "oooh I know what you could have, rapinin! I love rapini!". Seriously peeps, I am not down with eating veg straight up. Really.

Also, please keep your comments and questions coming. These chats are great. Thanks.

Goodbye red meat?

Well, I just had sixpie for lunch. Or maybe I should correct that to say: Well I just tried to have sixpie for lunch. Sixpie, one of my favorite meals ever. Seems I might not want to continue eating that though. It's something my father has always made at Christmas time and I now make as well. It's basically meat, salt, onions, pie crust and repeat. Soooo good.  However I have noticed that eating meats is a bit challenging with this lap band. Someone had mentioned that eating proteins was more challenging with a lapband, however I hadn't had an adjustment yet and I didn't think that that really was the case for me. I mean I had to eat slower, make sure that any protein I ate was chewed properly,  but aside from that I was fine. Well, I have now have now had two adjustments, and need to be realistic. I haven't really eating anything aside from chicken and fish since this all began. The occaisional ground beef for soft shelled tacos, but anything beside that does not go down well.  Really, it usually tries to come right back up.

Honestly, we have been moving away from all meats not chicken or fish for a few years now. I still loved a good steak, but that's about it. I think that with the surgery, came the end of beef for me. Same for porc. Bye, bye. I mean I'll let you know this summer how I fare with a ribsteak. I might have to only have beef tenderloin, but that is really hopeful thinking based on my reaction to the sixpie. I cut it up all tiny. Basically a bowl of shredded meats, that I would take a small bite of and chew carefully. I know that meat is hard swallow so I make sure to take my time. But even with all that, I blocked and spent roughly half an hour being sick. I still feel slightly crappy. So now I have a nice Zantac in my stomach and a spoonfull of peanut butter. Yum.

Like I may have mentioned before, I am not really sure how I am suppose to be eating. There are so many different opinions that I don't know what's right. The dietitian I met with in D-ville, wasn't really that helpful. From everything I gathered, I am to consume more or less what is recommend by the Canadian Food Guide (just smaller quantities). The weight loss clinic here in Ottawa is saying that I should be following a protein heavy, carb light diet. But that is for weight loss, not specifically for lap-band patients. So you can imagine how challenging that diet would be considering how hard it is to eat protein. Anyways.

Back to your regularly scheduled program.

Oh Hungry?

First off, thanks to everyone for all the support I am getting. You guys are way to kind! I love that people are asking questions and getting me to think and talk more! Awesome!

Now this is just a short blurb. Not really going in depth on anything here. I was just thinking how weird this all is. I guess it must be how the lap band works. I am pretty darn sure that my portions have reduced, although I think I spend a lot of time saying it out loud to convince myself of it. But at the same time, I feel like I can still eat a fair portion. For example, yesterday I went to this cafe-esque place near work for my lunch and have been going there for a few years. They are awesome because they make these ginormous salads, and they are jam-packed with "toppings". They weigh like... 1lb per salad, they're huge! I loved going there 'cause I could look like a healthy eater with my salad but still leave the table feeling satiated. Needless to say, I would eat the whole damn container and would probably eat a little something else after. Now I go and usually don't make it passed the 1/2 way, maybe 2/3 mark, then I am full. So I know that portions have changed, but I still want to eat more. I am definitely full, but still wanting to put more food into my mouth.

I think that I am missing that really full feeling. I don't mean post christmas dinner uncomfortable full, just the whole "don't want another bite" full. Now with this new (and admittedly healthier) slow paced/chew, chew, chew eating I feel satiated way before I make it through my portion. I know this is good. But remember folks... I love food. Everything about it. I love the texture, the taste, the experience of feeling nice and full. I would probably have to confess to loving the memories foods bring as well. I guess I am just missing that right now.

I spend all my time choosing foods because they are healthy, because it's what I should be eating, because it won't cause problems for me (blocking and puking namely), that there is no more... yummy-ness.

But I guess that in the end, we all have to pay the piper right? I mean if I want the great body and the fabulous clothes, there is a price.

On that note, I am going to go eat a bowl of chocolate frozen yogurt. One of my last little PC pleasures.

What's a lapband you say???

Well, I thought it might be helpful to know what exactly I did. I mean apparently not everyone is up on their current weight loss surgeries. So here it is:

The surgery is laparoscopically performed; mine had 5 incisions. They place a band around the top part of the stomach, reducing it's size below the junction of the stomach and esophagus. The band has an inflatable balloon within it's lining to allow adjustment of the size of the stomach to regulate food intake. The small gastric pouch (the size of a golf ball) restricts the amount of food that can be consumed at a meal. Ingested food consumed passes through the digestive tract in the usual order, allowing it to be fully absorbed into the body. They then attache the access port to a stomach muscle (under the fat), so that they can they access the band around my stomach. This allows them to increase or decrease the amount of saline in the band; adjusting the restriction. They access the port with a needle.

The band that I have can inflate up to 10 cc. The more fluid you have in your band, the more constricted you are. When they performed the surgery, they filled my band to 3 cc - I guess that was the amount need to just be able to "install" it without having it move around or be too constricting with the post surgery swelling. Like I said previously, my first fill (which was at the end of November) they added 2 cc (bringing me to a total of 5 cc). On my second adjustment (Jan 3), the doctor added 1/2 cc (total 5 1/2 cc). 

It seems that because he did such a small refill this time, my "recovery" from this fill is much faster. I definitely have my appetite back and it's only been 3 days. It's definitely shrinking (my appetite that is), but I still feel that I can eat a fair amount. 

I chose this particular surgery and not the gastric bypass surgery, because I felt that it was a healthier option. I mean this is more of a weight loss tool than a weight loss method. Do you know what I mean? With this surgery, I think you are only as successful as the amount of effort you put in. You need to eat properly (you are getting much smaller amounts of food, and need to choose the right foods). And the secret to weight loss, no matter what approach you take, is balancing that equation. Now, I hate math, but what it boils down to is: If you want to lose weight, you have to burn more calories than you intake. This surgery facilitates my equation (does that even make sense???). All that to say, that you have to excercise. You can only be über successful if you choose a healthy lifestyle. If you are ready to do that, than I think that this can only be moderately successful. I mean I think that no matter what you will lose weight with this surgery, but you may not obtain your goal if you aren't committed. 

Another thing I liked about this surgery is that it is a slower, steadier weight loss. Not as dramatic as gastric bypass, but in the end you end up with the same overall accomplishments. The fact that it is slower (roughly 1-2 pounds per week) means that your body has time to adjust to the weight loss, and you may not need all that plastic surgery post weight loss.
 
I know you are all so terribly concerned, waiting with baited breath even, so I will let you know that Kelly has returned to work (after tending to her sick family - whateves!) and we will be walking tomorrow. I have already decided to have salad for lunch tomorrow, but will need to find a protein for it. Pretty excited.  Sad but true.


Something else I noticed about this whole procedure, is that when I used to eat, it was like a love affair. I mean I LOVED everything from looks to taste to texture when it came to eating. Now, I feel way more like it's sustenance. I mean it's sad, but just the way things block my esophagus on the way down makes me really think hard as to what will be "easy", nutritious and not to boring. The fun has been taking out of eating, and I am not sure that is necessarily a bad thing. Not to say I don't enjoy heading out to the restaurant and having a lovely meal. Just that day to day eating is more... not sexy.

Let me know if you have any questions in particular. I am trying to share my experience and demystify the whole procedure. 

I'm out of the closet!

So yesterday I typed and I typed and there was no re-reading, no second guessing. I just put it out there and when it was all said and done, I posted it. Gulp, everyone now knows. I mean, I didn't really think that I was going to keep this a secret what with the weight loss I am experiencing. But I wasn't really keen on telling people either. I don't want to be deal with everyone's opinion. Not that I have gotten any grief. Frankly everyone around me is incredibly supportive. But I figure it's a bit like when you're pregnant and you choose the baby's name. I didn't want to tell people because inevitably, someone is going to give you their uncensored opinion. Whatever. So two years ago when I made this decision, I didn't really tell anyone that I put my name on that list. 6 months ago when they called me for my first consultation, didn't tell a soul. And two months ago when I went out of town for life altering surgery - nada. Not anyone. All these people in my life who don't know what I've done.

It was actually kind of hard for me, because I love - no, need to talk about what's going on in my life. I like getting people's weigh in, their opinion. But I never want people to think that I am harping. Never want to be that person who is ALWAYS talking about the same thing over and over. So, this is the best of both worlds. I get to say everything I want. Brag when it's going well, bitch when I am discouraged and not feel like I am imposing on anyone. You can read this or not. Nice.

Another reason I started this blog, is that I feel that there really isn't enough info/support for this surgery. Although I have no regrets and would do it all over again (exactly as it was, where it was), I think that the support and information is sorely lacking in the program they have in Drummondville. I mean, it says something that I have to travel just to get the surgery, right?

So I got the surgery, now what? Do I have to eat better? Eat differently? Will the weight still come off if I don't change a thing? Not that I want to proceed that way. I have been working hard for the last few years changing habits one at a time. I think all that work is paying off now, making it a lot easier to make the right choices, eat the right way. But no one really tells you what you should be doing. I ended up going to Dr. Bishop's weight loss clinic here in Ottawa. The diet is interesting, but not really geared for someone with a lap band. I am trying to adapt their recommendations to my new eating habits, but it is challenging, specially after an adjustment. But Dr. Bishop is really great and patient. He is more than willing to find fixes and adjust. Even though his program is not geared for lap-band patients, I am really glad to have someone in my city who has the knowledge.

Well, today is day 2 post fill. Things were a lot better today. I still wasn't ready to eat breakfast - things felt really tight when I woke up. But I was ravenous come lunch. I ate my 1/2 cup of pasta with pasta sauce, a cheese and an applesauce container. Thankfully I felt full with that. I did want more food though. I managed to also consume a Caramilk, a swedish berry and maybe 10 cashews. Dinner was no problem as well.

I am feeling a little challenged when it comes to being able to drink enough water. You are supposed to drink 1 hour before you eat, or 1 1/2 hours after you drink. Doesn't leave a whole lot of drinking time. Most of my water consumption happens after dinner and before bed.

I haven't figured out how to incorporate the whole excercise thing. I mean, where do people find the time??? I am patiently waiting for my friend Kelly to get her but back to work and force me to go walking at lunch time again. Kelly??? Keeeelllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?


Oh, I wanted to repost those pics I put up yesterday. I took some tonight to see if I could notice a difference. I know it's only 30lbs, but that's still not bad. So here we go:

On the LEFT is Me 2 days before surgery, on the RIGHT is me today (January 5, 2011)

Well there you have it. Maybe we can see better results in a few months. Can't wait!!!

Wow, is it just me or do I look like an idiot in the gray pants? I mean look at the side picture. Is that how pants are suppose to look? All hangy like that? Nothing like a profile picture; scratch that. nothing like studying pictures of yourself to get you feeling really good. I mean I had noticed that these pants were a lot looser around the thigh, and that they hung a little on the back part of my waist, but really? What's a girl suppose to walk around wearing so that she doesn't look like an idiot. God, I will definitely have to avoid seeing what the rest of my close looks like.

The next step

So as you have seen, I was all excited about organic veggies being delivered and the things I can do with them. I cooked and struggled to figure out how to consume all these vegetables. The fact is, I am not a fan of the vegetable. I know it's good for me, and that I should eat it A LOT more. But it is indeed a struggle. In the end, the cooking of all this food just got me psyched to cook food and I kept at it till about October 20. That was my last...dish. In the end, I started a new journey and I will out myself regarding that shortly.  Here is what you missed: I made a whole bunch of yummy stuff, and am now reaping the benefits of - mostly. Wow just looking at the pictures makes me want to tell you all about it. I made:

• 6 x 500 ml jars of apple jelly (sooo good)
• 1 to die for blueberry apple crisp
• A chicken and rice casserole (stuffed with baby spinach and peppers)
• Spaghetti sauce (for 5 dinners)
• Leek and rapini soup

All was yummy. I was thinking that this blog would go from my veggie blog to more or less I love food/cooking blog. Because, let's be honest, I love food. But in the end, I started a journey almost two years ago, that brought me to this point. I called and put my name on a list. I was going to lose weight no matter what. And in early October the hospital in Drummondville, Quebec, called to tell me to start my liquid diet, I was booked for my lap band surgery.

Why that one? Well I feel that it is the healthiest of the surgeries offered. Despite everything, in the end I want to lose the weight and keep it off. I want to live and be happy and possibly for a short period of time look hot in some fabulous jeans! So there I was cooking away. Tons of food I would only be able to enjoy come winter and they call and tell me I was getting my surgery on October 25, 2010. I stopped cooking. My poor husband.

Well step one is a liquid diet 10 days pre surgery. The idea is that you have to reduce your liver. If you are unsuccessful in this they won't do the surgery. I mean they will open you up, see that your liver is to big, and close you right back up. So I took it to heart when they told me to only drink slim fast (your choice of flavor), coffee or tea and water. Nothing else. Lucky me, this happened during a really big meeting. I was attending this three day meeting, during which I could not eat. If you have ever been to these things, there is a copious amount of delicious food - everywhere, all the time. And there was me with my boost and mug while everyone ate food. Delicious, beautifully catered food. Ah well, my thoughts were basically, we all have to pay the piper eventually right? And it was my turn.

I made it through my 10 days, I really didn't find it all that challenging. I mean they were going to give me a surgery that basically guaranteed weight loss. What was 10 days no food? Nothing. Easy, peasy. I remember being in mourning. The night before I started my liquid diet, my girlfriend and I went out to this amazing restaurant and had wine and a FABULOUS dinner. My last meal as we called it. In the months before they called me for my surgery, I had decided to eat anything I wanted to. I indulged the entire summer. Eat steak (big juicy steaks), lobster, drank coke (I had all but given that up recently). Enjoyed anything and everything, with the thought that I would have to kiss it all goodbye. Then my last meal came at this restaurant and I thought I would never really enjoy this place again. During the meal I realized that maybe it was the end of all things delicious, so much as it was just the beginning of thinking differently. I was right, but I had no idea how right I was.

On October 24, my sister and I got into my car to head out to Drummondville. I live 3.5 hours away so this is quite the commitment. There is no one who does this surgery in my neck of the woods, so I committed to going there for all the pre-op visits, the surgery and all my post-op care. Part of it is going once a month to have your band adjusted. It's a fair bit of travel. Anyways, I put the car in reverse and go - right into my sister's parked car. For the love of god!!! I was so distracted and nervous and excited that I started a three and a half hour car ride with a car accident in my driveway. Anyways, my sister and her fabulous boyfriend have forgiven me (right) and we set off with a huge dip in this emotional rollercoaster of a journey. We got there at around 9 pm, checked into the hotel and I couldn't even have a glass of wine (didn't want to risk not getting the surgery!!). My sister ate some bbq chicken and fries and a savoured my last slim fast (or so I thought).  Lights out and then it was surgery day.

I don't really know what to say about that. It went well. I went to day surgery, the nurses did their thing. I never saw my surgeon. They rolled me into surgery, they told me to breath deeply and then they woke me up. I don't remember being in recovery (I must have though). I just remember being back in day-surgery and the nurse wanting me to get up and walk around before they would discharge me. I did NOT want to do that. I really felt that if I got up, I would be sick. She kept asking me if I was nauseous - which I wasn't, so I would say no. Then she would ask me to then get up - which I wouldn't 'cause I thought I would be sick. Needless to say, we were stuck in this vicious cycle and if it weren't for my wonderful sister, we might still be there arguing. In the end I sat up, it made me feel sick and eventual caused me to retch. Now that was pain. My sister finally convinced them to give me gravol. I am not sure how I managed to leave, Every time I was vertical I was nauseous and retching (not that there was much to produce, due to the liquid diet and then fasting pre-op). We made it to the hotel room and the short and the long of it was I went to sleep. By morning the nausea was gone and we hit the road. I was exhausted but ready to go home. I managed my pain with children's liquid tylenol - they prescribe real pain killers but I really didn't find it hurt. The worst pain was in my shoulder (apparently common with surgery - something about the air that they put in you). So off we went. I made it home and began to recoup.

Things I am not so impressed with - they don't give enough info, and there is no support whatsoever. So I am home, feeling better. Still on a liquid diet (sigh) but surviving. I was desperated for real food, and made due by having a spoon full of peanut butter or vache kiri (super soft cheese), when the liquids were just not cutting it. I went from clear fluids (3 days), to full fluids (3 days) to a soft diet (3 days). BTW day one is not the day of your surgery... it's the next one. Then I was allowed real food. I noticed a difference right away and was thrilled. I definately couldn't eat as much! Yea, this actually worked. They did say however that the restriction post surgery was mostly just having the band around my stomach and when the healing went down, I would get my first fill (1 month post surgery). All this is going on, I am re-learning how to eat (because no matter how much I practiced pre-op, I am still a fast eater. Fast eating is no longer an option due to the fact that food block and then you throw up - and that is painful!!!) and I start experiencing this horrible pain on my side. At first I chalk it up to the healing. I mean the swelling is going down so things must hurt more right? This is at about 2 weeks in. Then as the pain gets worse, and I can barely bend, I start to think that when I go back for my adjustment, they are going to have to open me back up. That it didn't work, that all the throwing up has dislodged the band or something. Maybe the port is not placed right - who knows!?!? Well something that they could have mentioned was that this was normal and that it was just the muscle where the port was attached that was healing and hurt like an SOB! Thanks to my husband, the internet and chat rooms, I could calm down and just breath through the pain. It would heal and stop eventually, right? Ironically, that port site pain hurt more than the surgery, incisions and all. Wow.

On November 30, I went for my first fill. I had hoped that a doctor here in Ottawa would be able to take me on. I was told that there was only one in the entire region that dealt with lap-bands. He didn't perform the surgery but he did the fills - and I wanted him to take me on as a client. After fighting with the records department at the hospital in Drummondville to send my records to this MD, and praying that he would follow me, his nurse calls me up and leaves a voice mail informing me that he won't take me on. That he only sees patients whose surgery was performed at one of three places, and D-Ville (as I like to call it) is not one of them. I had an appointment to go to his weight loss clinic anyways (I needed to be able to be followed for dietary issues here in O-Town and thought his clinic might just do). When I went for my appointment, I mentioned that I knew he wouldn't take me on as a lap-band patient and he said that he would. That all I needed was a note from my surgeon and he would do the adjustments. Well, I went all they to Drummondville for my first fill the next day. Allez-retour in one day. Got there, was seen and they added 2 cc of saline on the first shot. I am led to believe that that is quite an aggressive fill. Anyway, after talking to the surgeon and him consulting with his colleague, they agreed that the MD in Ottawa could do the fills. I got my note and on the way home that day dropped it off at the MD's office in Ottawa, booking my next fill. No more traveling!!!

It took me roughly 2 weeks before I could really eat normally again. They said to eat "soft foods" for the first 48 hours. I forgot and when I got home that night proceeded to eat a small but normal dinner. Well once again I found myself puking in the kitchen sink. My kids are so used to it that they stare and ask if I am going to be sick. Sigh. Anyways, as I was saying, two weeks and I was back to "normal foods". Smaller portions but all good. It seems to be the cycle for this. Two weeks post surgery and I was mostly eating normally - smaller portions but normally. Same when it came to my first fill.

So I found out that my lap-band is has a 10 cc capacity. After the first fill, I was up to a total of 5 cc. I found it rather difficult to adjust after the fill. At first no big deal, but I started getting discouraged when I still couldn't eat "normally" after a week. In retrospect, I realize that that was a huge difference and that the adjustment period was not outrageous. I mean I was at 5 cc. I saw a VLOG on you tube of this girl who had a lap-band surgery as well. In 6 months she lost something like 140lbs. That is ridiculous and unhealthy BTW. They say you should loose 1-2 lbs per week. That 4-8 lbs a month. But the point I wanted to make was that in one of her last VLOGs, she was saying how she had finally gone from 5 cc to 6 cc and that that was a huge adjustment. That she had done the majority of her weight loss at 5 cc, and I had made it there in my first month. Perspective is everything.

On January 3, 2011 I went for my second adjustment (but first one in Ottawa!!!). The doctor added 1/2 cc. That means I am at a total of 5.5 cc. I did ok yesterday food wise. I ate soft foods and didn't eat much. I see a big difference in portion sized just based on that half cc. However, I am not sure if it is that big a difference of if it's swelling. I mean, I think that there is some kind of swelling or need for healing after an adjustment. I am finding that after two weeks things taper out and although I have reduced my portion for what I was eating pre-op, I seem to be able to eat more at the end of the month than right after the adjustment. Last night for dinner I had 2/3 of a cannoloni (riccotta and spinach) and some green beans. While eating a piece of garlic bread, I got blocked and had to puke. Like I said earlier, since the surgery my 4 year old can now see the physical cues I give when it goes wrong and I need to puke. How sad is that? Anyways, after I was sick, I realised that I was full and that there was no way I could have eaten more. That just isn't a lot of food. Food today was rough as well. I really have a hard time eating first thing in the morning. Always have. I usually will eat roughly 2 hours after I get up. They told us that it was quite common for lap-band patients to not be able to eat in the morning. I didn't think it was a big deal (and hasn't been up until now) because I never really have been big on breakfast. Well since this adjustment, it's felt tight. Even drinking coffee or tea didn't go down smoothly. Like I said earlier, I believe that the "swelling" needs to go down from the adjustment, but this day had been challenging. I brought a yogurt and 2 vache kiri for the am, and had my grande vanilla latte. It was hard to get the yogurt and cheese down. I was hungry come lunch but still felt pretty tight. I ended up getting a salad (they have been fairly easy to eat to date), but definately had a hard time eating it. I blocked up, but was eating so slowly and such tiny bites that I was able to "pass" the blockage without throwing up. Still pretty painful, and I think I totally freaked out my friend at work. I think he was going to be sick himself. Dinner consisted of a piece of tourtiere (roughly 1/8 of a tourtiere to be precise) and cup of tea. I am now indulging in eggnogg.

I miss flavorful drinks... scratch that, I miss coke. It's not that great a loss but... every once in a while, I would like something to drink that isn't water, tea of coffee. That's when I get wild and crazy and have a glace of OJ. Since Christmas arrived, that indulgence turned to eggnogg.

Anyways, stats you might want to know. From my first visit to the hospital in June until my surgery day in October, I lost 12 lbs. I suspect it was more. I really think I gained a lot of weight during my summer of indulgence, but never weighed myself pre liquid diet. So this is the number I am left with. From surgery to first adjustment, I think I went down 9 more pounds. From that till yesterday I lost another 9 lbs - I think. All I know for sure is that I am now at 30 lbs total loss. Not bad. My doctor keeps saying that I shouldn't look at the weight. That that really doesn't say anything. The important impact really has to do with how things fit. Well, things fit way better. I haven't made it to a smaller dress size yet, but I am not that far from it. I have a bit of a saggy bum in my pants, but you won't hear me complain! Really all I want is to be able to buy fabulous clothes and not restrict myself when it comes to life. So this year is a big year for me. I can't wait to see what I will be wearing this summer!! I know that this is a slow journey. It should take me a solid year, year and a half to accomplish this.

I also need to get exercising. I have a friend who is trying to kill me with exercise. If she has her way, come summer we are suppose to be biking to work... ew! Showing up to work all sweaty and gross. Showering at work, not sure about that. We are starting with walking at lunch everyday. Let you know how that all works out.

Me on October 24, 2010: