Saturday morning; kids have been to gymnastics; bought clothes for kids...what's that two stores over? Addition-Elle? Ok, I'll take a quick look. I am going somewhere warm. Maybe they have some summer clothes out. Well, 30 mins later I walked out of there with 3 t-shirts, 2 tank tops, and some unmentionables. Oh, did I mention that they were a size down from what I normally buy? Yeah, that's right. I am pretty excited. I think I am in the next size down (almost). Guy says that the stuff I bought fit me better than what I have been wearing.
Ironically, I got dressed that morning feeling really good about how the clothes I was wearing fit me sooo much better. Then after trying on the smaller size and putting my clothes back on I was stunned. I mean I looked really crappy. My clothes is making me look... fat. There, I said it! Fat.
Anyways, I plan on not buying any dress pants till the fall. I will try to survive on skirts, dresses and (shutter, I know...) capris.
That's it for the happy news. Now on to the "god this is annoying" news.
Soooo I am not sure if I blogged about this, but I have pretty much concluded that the only way to eat is to preface all food with a hot beverage. Things have been going down much smoother since I started implementing this whole theory. Today I was home and had breakfast with no tea... and thought let us test to see if I really need the hot beverage or if just concentrating and eating slowly will do it. Is this really necessary, or am I just eating to quickly? So I had lunch with no tea. No, you don't get to judge. I ate über slowly; chewed everything to death; and was still quite sick. As a matter of fact, I have noted that I busted blood vessels all over my face. It's really bad. Man.
Anyway, I figure that the experiment was rather conclusive (my sciency friends will be so proud of me). I do need the hot beverage precursor to my meal. Lesson learned. Class dismissed.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Bad good news
Oh dear. I am almost at the end. I don't think I can keep this up much longer. Nothing good can come of this. MF! I mean I really wanted this and now? Now I can't really have it till the very end? OMG! Oh. My. God.
I almost lost my ring this evening while giving Anaïse her bath. I move my hand and my ring slips up and down my finger. I might have a few more weeks before I have to remove it for fear of losing it. And then it's off till I am done the majority of this weight loss. Sniff, sniff. Sniffle, SOB!
I'll be fine. Don't worry. I have to go cry now.
I almost lost my ring this evening while giving Anaïse her bath. I move my hand and my ring slips up and down my finger. I might have a few more weeks before I have to remove it for fear of losing it. And then it's off till I am done the majority of this weight loss. Sniff, sniff. Sniffle, SOB!
I'll be fine. Don't worry. I have to go cry now.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Not everything is about food... WHAT?
So I think that until the next adjustment/fill, whatever, I have got the whole eating thing down pat. Cup of tea before/with my meal; especially if it is not a hot meal.
But that's not what this is about. This is about the other stuff. I am taking a trip at the end of March. I can't even tell you how excited I am. So once the shock wore off, I realized that I had gotten rid of my summer clothes at the end of the summer last year. I knew this surgery was coming up and that I probably wouldn't fit into them anymore (at least I really, really hoped I wouldn't). So I am going down south for a week and I peek into my closet to see what I can find... Well, 1 bathing suit; check. I actually found a pair of capri that I miraculously did not throw out and some summer dresses I bought last March (thinking I was heading to Vegas) . Let me tell you about these dresses. They are cute. I wore them last summer a couple of times and as it turns out, I shouldn't have. They were tight at best, yet no one thought to mention that to me. I tried them on Sunday night and wow. They are actually loose on me now. One of the dresses still has the tags on it because I couldn't fit into it last year. Well, I can now!
This is pretty exciting stuff. It amazes me that on the one hand I experience that and am thrilled and excited to see my body change. I can feel that my "daily" clothes is fitting differently. It hangs more, things are much looser. But on the other hand, I look at myself and the person I see is not the person I feel like. I feel good. I might even feel...I can't think of the right words. But I know that I am even more outgoing and "flirty". But when I look at myself, I still see the fat, unattractive (ok, attractive but ugly bodied) person that I was 6 months ago. It's almost like there should be more results. The outer shell should match how I feel, but it most definitely doesn't. So weird.
I'm not really depressed about it, I just marvel at the human mind and how we process things. You hear people say that when a person looses weight, they need to learn to see themselves as they are, not as they were. I never thought that that would be a problem for me. Actually I still don't. I guess for me, it's more a realization that I don't like the body I currently own. And that was never a major problem before. My body was just that, the body I had. No it wasn't great but it wasn't changing, so accept and make the best of it. But now? Now I know it's going to keep changing. I am working so hard at this. Every time I need to put food into my body, it is effort and a whole lot of decisions. This isn't just miraculously happening on it's own. So I guess with all this effort and work, I expect more... evidence.
I noticed this week that my winter coat now actually is loose on me (YAY!). But I still don't actually look good in it (BOO). Like I say, it is quite a dichotomy.
So last time I gave a number I was at a 40 lb loss. I still don't know where I am at now. The scale varies so much from weigh in to weigh in that I literally have to wait a full month to really see my weight loss reflected on the scale. I am hoping to hit Puerto Plata and minus 50 pounds. We will see.
Lastly, I was at a birthday party this weekend for a friends daughter and of course other of her friends were there. People I have gotten to know over the years through this common friend. One of these ladies was saying how she was following my weight loss journey and read my blog all the time. I was totally stunned by this. I was amazed. I mean, yeah my close friends and family read it; they have to so that when I say did you see my blog, they can actually talk about it with me. I know that some of my extended family is following (love you all!) because they love and support me. But I never realized how far spread this could actually become. I mean I have 10 followers according to the blog. I think that is awesome! Keep reading! I find it absolutely incredible how interested people are in weight loss. Who would have thought it. Everybody lives their own struggle in the end. Nobody really gets to go about living (and more importantly eating) without having to weigh the pros and cons of every bite.
Huh. I've said it before, but I guess I realize it just a bit more everyday. This really is for life. This is just the beginning of a lifetime journey.
But that's not what this is about. This is about the other stuff. I am taking a trip at the end of March. I can't even tell you how excited I am. So once the shock wore off, I realized that I had gotten rid of my summer clothes at the end of the summer last year. I knew this surgery was coming up and that I probably wouldn't fit into them anymore (at least I really, really hoped I wouldn't). So I am going down south for a week and I peek into my closet to see what I can find... Well, 1 bathing suit; check. I actually found a pair of capri that I miraculously did not throw out and some summer dresses I bought last March (thinking I was heading to Vegas) . Let me tell you about these dresses. They are cute. I wore them last summer a couple of times and as it turns out, I shouldn't have. They were tight at best, yet no one thought to mention that to me. I tried them on Sunday night and wow. They are actually loose on me now. One of the dresses still has the tags on it because I couldn't fit into it last year. Well, I can now!
This is pretty exciting stuff. It amazes me that on the one hand I experience that and am thrilled and excited to see my body change. I can feel that my "daily" clothes is fitting differently. It hangs more, things are much looser. But on the other hand, I look at myself and the person I see is not the person I feel like. I feel good. I might even feel...I can't think of the right words. But I know that I am even more outgoing and "flirty". But when I look at myself, I still see the fat, unattractive (ok, attractive but ugly bodied) person that I was 6 months ago. It's almost like there should be more results. The outer shell should match how I feel, but it most definitely doesn't. So weird.
I'm not really depressed about it, I just marvel at the human mind and how we process things. You hear people say that when a person looses weight, they need to learn to see themselves as they are, not as they were. I never thought that that would be a problem for me. Actually I still don't. I guess for me, it's more a realization that I don't like the body I currently own. And that was never a major problem before. My body was just that, the body I had. No it wasn't great but it wasn't changing, so accept and make the best of it. But now? Now I know it's going to keep changing. I am working so hard at this. Every time I need to put food into my body, it is effort and a whole lot of decisions. This isn't just miraculously happening on it's own. So I guess with all this effort and work, I expect more... evidence.
I noticed this week that my winter coat now actually is loose on me (YAY!). But I still don't actually look good in it (BOO). Like I say, it is quite a dichotomy.
So last time I gave a number I was at a 40 lb loss. I still don't know where I am at now. The scale varies so much from weigh in to weigh in that I literally have to wait a full month to really see my weight loss reflected on the scale. I am hoping to hit Puerto Plata and minus 50 pounds. We will see.
Lastly, I was at a birthday party this weekend for a friends daughter and of course other of her friends were there. People I have gotten to know over the years through this common friend. One of these ladies was saying how she was following my weight loss journey and read my blog all the time. I was totally stunned by this. I was amazed. I mean, yeah my close friends and family read it; they have to so that when I say did you see my blog, they can actually talk about it with me. I know that some of my extended family is following (love you all!) because they love and support me. But I never realized how far spread this could actually become. I mean I have 10 followers according to the blog. I think that is awesome! Keep reading! I find it absolutely incredible how interested people are in weight loss. Who would have thought it. Everybody lives their own struggle in the end. Nobody really gets to go about living (and more importantly eating) without having to weigh the pros and cons of every bite.
Huh. I've said it before, but I guess I realize it just a bit more everyday. This really is for life. This is just the beginning of a lifetime journey.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
A shake for dinner
So I have been thinking about postings; not sure how frequently I should be posting. I mean maybe I should only be posting when I have something new to say, or should I be actually documenting all my "ups and downs". I was thinking the other day that despite the fact that I really didn't think this would be an emotional experience, it turns out is a friggin' emotional roller-coaster. If I were to post every experience this is giving me, I think it would go something like...
Day 1:
Blah, blah, blah normal day; nothing new.
Day 2:
This is so awesome, I love this experience. I am so excited and motivated!
Day 3:
WHY!?!? This isn't working! I suck. I can't do this!!
Then it would be a matter of mixing the three in random combinations. That would more or less describe this experience. I really do go from struggling to best day ever super motivated.
Today for example. Not really sure what happened. I had my coffee this am, followed by yogurt with honey roasted oats and cranberries and then lunch. I had 1/2 cup of lasagna for lunch and wasn't really feeling it, so I went and bought a tiny green salad to eat with it. I slowly ate my salad; it felt tight going down, but I thought nothing of it. Next thing I know, I am blocked followed shortly by pain and vomiting. Ever vomit in a public toilet (while NOT drunk)? It's repulsive (just for the record). Anyways, I then had nothing to eat (can't really get anything down post-vomiting due to swelling - i guess) so I grabbed a latte (mocha) and went back to work. Had a wicked headache by 3:30 and just wanted to be in bed. Canceled dinner with the fam (kids and Guy had to scramble for their own dinner) and had a smoothie for dinner. This is the second time in 5 days that this happens. With all I have been threw, I had never been sick at work. Now twice in 5 days. MF!
I am beginning to wonder if it is a result of stress (which there is no lack of right now). I can't figure out otherwise, why I am blocking.
What I can say, is right now I feel tired with all the effort. I feel like I have the blandest diet ever. I am happy with the results, but the struggle is... well, tiring.
Later, gator.
Day 1:
Blah, blah, blah normal day; nothing new.
Day 2:
This is so awesome, I love this experience. I am so excited and motivated!
Day 3:
WHY!?!? This isn't working! I suck. I can't do this!!
Then it would be a matter of mixing the three in random combinations. That would more or less describe this experience. I really do go from struggling to best day ever super motivated.
Today for example. Not really sure what happened. I had my coffee this am, followed by yogurt with honey roasted oats and cranberries and then lunch. I had 1/2 cup of lasagna for lunch and wasn't really feeling it, so I went and bought a tiny green salad to eat with it. I slowly ate my salad; it felt tight going down, but I thought nothing of it. Next thing I know, I am blocked followed shortly by pain and vomiting. Ever vomit in a public toilet (while NOT drunk)? It's repulsive (just for the record). Anyways, I then had nothing to eat (can't really get anything down post-vomiting due to swelling - i guess) so I grabbed a latte (mocha) and went back to work. Had a wicked headache by 3:30 and just wanted to be in bed. Canceled dinner with the fam (kids and Guy had to scramble for their own dinner) and had a smoothie for dinner. This is the second time in 5 days that this happens. With all I have been threw, I had never been sick at work. Now twice in 5 days. MF!
I am beginning to wonder if it is a result of stress (which there is no lack of right now). I can't figure out otherwise, why I am blocking.
What I can say, is right now I feel tired with all the effort. I feel like I have the blandest diet ever. I am happy with the results, but the struggle is... well, tiring.
Later, gator.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
40 and counting
No, that is not my age; Thank you very much! I am officially down 40 whole, entire and most complete pounds. When I went to the doctors on Monday they measured me and said I had lost 2 inches off my hips. I must confess that that impressed me less but them more. However, yesterday morning I weighed in at minus 40lbs!!! I have 8 pounds to go before I hit my first major milestone, and 10 pounds to go till I have lost 50lbs.
So as of now, I am averaging about 10 lbs a month. Not bad *sniff*, not bad at all (I am quoting Notting Hill there...). If I can manage to keep this up, by October 25 (my one year anniversary) I will have lost a total of 120 lbs! Mother of Pearl. Let's see how it all plays out.
So as of now, I am averaging about 10 lbs a month. Not bad *sniff*, not bad at all (I am quoting Notting Hill there...). If I can manage to keep this up, by October 25 (my one year anniversary) I will have lost a total of 120 lbs! Mother of Pearl. Let's see how it all plays out.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Happy as a clam
So I went to see the doctor this morning. He is quite satisfied with my progress. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhhh! I have lost two inches around my hips and that seems to keep him happy. I expressed my concerns and he said that it was a slow progress (and that's how it should be). He also pointed out that if I was losing weight as quickly as the lady in the blog I read, that it was unhealthy and could affect muscle blah, blah. The long and the short of it was that I needed to be patient. He actually wrote that in my chart! This from a man who did my fill today and only put in .3 cc! I am now officially at 5.8 cc. I mean, really? He says that between 5.5 and 6.5 is "the sweet spot" for weight loss. He couldn't just put me up to 6 cc? I guess not. I repeat, sigh.
I also spoke to the nurse about my diet and again, I seem to be on track. She just went over the program a bit with me today, to refresh my memory. I will be journal my food intake, and I will be very specific about quantities. Measure everything! I have a follow up appointment with her in two weeks - accountability and all that. But overall she said that I was doing really well.
Apparently you should "jump start" your system as early as possible. Eat protein breakfast and go from there. I eat roughly 5 times a day, small quantities. I can't really really on when I am hungry, because I rarely am. I have to think of it as fueling the machine. Not eating. Weird. The reason I say this is because I would barely eat if I went solely on hunger and that wouldn't be healthy either. The doctor was saying that if he had his preference people were eat the majority of their food in the earlier part of the day and have a very light/small dinner. Which let's be honest, is not really the North American way.
So my goal is to eat something like this:
Protein shake
Grande Latte (I need something warm before I can even contemplate solid food)
Yogurt or cheese
Lunch
Water
3pm protein snack (no matter if I'm hungry or not)
Dinner
Water
I should mention that getting my water in is rather challenging because I am not suppose to drink any liquids 1 hour prior to, during and 1.5 hours post eating. Which boils down to never. I usually get 700 ml in the evening (just over 2 glasses) so I am trying to drink another 2 glasses in the afternoon.
As I was saying, I had a bit of a fill today. Honestly I didn't really notice the difference until dinner. I did the whole liquid diet thing till dinner tonight (smoothie for breakfast, latte, then a lovely cream of asparagus from green rebel). It was all fine and filling. For dinner we had chili. I totally measured out my portion and served myself 1 cup. I may have eaten 1/2 of that. And I noticed the restriction. I am not sure if it is because it was just done today and still swollen or if it really will be that restrictive. I'll let you know. Tomorrow will be soft foods only. A step up from liquids.
So that brings me right back to where I was yesterday. I need to make sure that I remember to be patient, I also need to just live this experience and not put any expectations on it (easier said than done).
I also spoke to the nurse about my diet and again, I seem to be on track. She just went over the program a bit with me today, to refresh my memory. I will be journal my food intake, and I will be very specific about quantities. Measure everything! I have a follow up appointment with her in two weeks - accountability and all that. But overall she said that I was doing really well.
Apparently you should "jump start" your system as early as possible. Eat protein breakfast and go from there. I eat roughly 5 times a day, small quantities. I can't really really on when I am hungry, because I rarely am. I have to think of it as fueling the machine. Not eating. Weird. The reason I say this is because I would barely eat if I went solely on hunger and that wouldn't be healthy either. The doctor was saying that if he had his preference people were eat the majority of their food in the earlier part of the day and have a very light/small dinner. Which let's be honest, is not really the North American way.
So my goal is to eat something like this:
Protein shake
Grande Latte (I need something warm before I can even contemplate solid food)
Yogurt or cheese
Lunch
Water
3pm protein snack (no matter if I'm hungry or not)
Dinner
Water
I should mention that getting my water in is rather challenging because I am not suppose to drink any liquids 1 hour prior to, during and 1.5 hours post eating. Which boils down to never. I usually get 700 ml in the evening (just over 2 glasses) so I am trying to drink another 2 glasses in the afternoon.
As I was saying, I had a bit of a fill today. Honestly I didn't really notice the difference until dinner. I did the whole liquid diet thing till dinner tonight (smoothie for breakfast, latte, then a lovely cream of asparagus from green rebel). It was all fine and filling. For dinner we had chili. I totally measured out my portion and served myself 1 cup. I may have eaten 1/2 of that. And I noticed the restriction. I am not sure if it is because it was just done today and still swollen or if it really will be that restrictive. I'll let you know. Tomorrow will be soft foods only. A step up from liquids.
So that brings me right back to where I was yesterday. I need to make sure that I remember to be patient, I also need to just live this experience and not put any expectations on it (easier said than done).
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Taking control... sorta, mostly, maybe.
So it was a rough week. So many contributing factors. We had a really big meeting at work this week, I started my period today (I know cliche, but true) and I was really struggling with the whole food, weight loss (or lack there of) thing. I haven't really been posting much because I have had to really think.
And miracle of miracles, I feel pretty good right now. I talked a lot with my support group (Kelly) and between her encouragement and the changes I am making and everything I have done I feel good. I see my doctor on Monday and have also booked time with the nurse.
It all comes down to the following (maybe all of you have figured this out, but clearly I am slow on the food fact uptakes):
I've said it before, but I really really understand it. It's an equation. You can't put more food in than you burn. Ok. Fine. So what am I doing about that you say? Well, I have spent the last week journaling my food. Everything I consumed, I wrote down. It really is quite revealing, and makes you a little more hesitant on whether or not you really want to eat something. Also made me realize that I am not eating too horribly. But I will discuss all that with the nurse on Monday.
Another thing I realize is that when I am about to have my period, there will be no weight loss. sigh. So I am taking pictures tonight (please forgive the whole look) and hoping to see a slight difference. I am looking forward to Monday. I will be measured, and I will try to get some answers. After that appointment, I will decide whether or not I need to maybe go see a dietitian (at the OGH weight loss clinic).
OMG! I just looked at my picture from tonight. God, all I had to do was look at my pictures to see that there is progress happening. I have a collar bone! Holy SHIT! Anyways, all that to say that I am feeling good, I shouldn't compare myself to others (clearly an impossible task for me) and my journey will be what is will be.
Hope you enjoy these pictures as much as I did. First one is Oct 2010, second one is Jan 5, 2011, third one is January 24 and the fourth one is merely two weeks later (and oh what a difference) On Feb 5, 2011. BTW the last pictures I am wearing the official take a picture outfit.
Collar bone people, a freaking visible collar bone!!!
And miracle of miracles, I feel pretty good right now. I talked a lot with my support group (Kelly) and between her encouragement and the changes I am making and everything I have done I feel good. I see my doctor on Monday and have also booked time with the nurse.
It all comes down to the following (maybe all of you have figured this out, but clearly I am slow on the food fact uptakes):
I've said it before, but I really really understand it. It's an equation. You can't put more food in than you burn. Ok. Fine. So what am I doing about that you say? Well, I have spent the last week journaling my food. Everything I consumed, I wrote down. It really is quite revealing, and makes you a little more hesitant on whether or not you really want to eat something. Also made me realize that I am not eating too horribly. But I will discuss all that with the nurse on Monday.
Another thing I realize is that when I am about to have my period, there will be no weight loss. sigh. So I am taking pictures tonight (please forgive the whole look) and hoping to see a slight difference. I am looking forward to Monday. I will be measured, and I will try to get some answers. After that appointment, I will decide whether or not I need to maybe go see a dietitian (at the OGH weight loss clinic).
OMG! I just looked at my picture from tonight. God, all I had to do was look at my pictures to see that there is progress happening. I have a collar bone! Holy SHIT! Anyways, all that to say that I am feeling good, I shouldn't compare myself to others (clearly an impossible task for me) and my journey will be what is will be.
Hope you enjoy these pictures as much as I did. First one is Oct 2010, second one is Jan 5, 2011, third one is January 24 and the fourth one is merely two weeks later (and oh what a difference) On Feb 5, 2011. BTW the last pictures I am wearing the official take a picture outfit.
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