I am obsessed.

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Food is the only thing (or pretty darn close to) I think about. Oh sure, I get distracted with life’s little issues, but I swear my life is all about food. For years it was about the foods I loved and eating and enjoying it. I would eat decadent food and not worry about it. What do I care? I am already fluffy anyways, right? I started changing this habit when I was pregnant with my first kiddo. I thought: how could I expect her to eat well and be healthy if I am not doing it. So the hubby and I started changing our eating habits, for the sake of the children.

Then I had an epiphany. I reached that point where I wanted to lose weight, for me, for my health, for my happiness. I was finally willing to sacrifice the “happiness” food gave me for a healthier life. So I had surgery and got the Lapband. Let’s be honest, there was a lot more to the decision than that, but for brevity’s sake… there it is. I subsequently spent a couple of years worrying about everything I put in my mouth (Oh My!), and not in an “will it make me fat” kind of way. Honestly? I still haven't reached the point where I am concerned about how the food will affect my waisteline. I am sure it will come. Me? I worried about whether I could eat something or if it would make me block/vomit. I had to make sure that I was eating healthy getting in the protein and nutrients from fruits and veggies, which was a challenge as everything seemed to make me block. The upside? It forced me to essentially eliminate starches from my diet. The downside? It forced me to essentially eliminate starches from my diet! This was a big one for me. I blame it on the fact that I think I was crazily addicted to starch. I loved (and still do) bread. Had a thing for pasta and rice. I loved starch.  But I learned to eat without it and my kids have grown up thinking that your plate must have vegetables and protein. They don’t even consider starch. Which I think is awesome.

I also had to learn how to eat generally speaking, not just making sure I was getting enough whatever (fruits/veg/meat) but how not to block every time I sat down at the table. That meant that I had to learn that there were external factors that could affect my ability to eat such at the weather, my cycle, the order I eat food, the speed with which I eat… EVERYTHING, it seemed affected whether or not I would block. Once I had that figured out… Oh honestly, I still screw up and block but it's way less frequently and I usually know what I did wrong.

Figuring out how to eat? Well, that led to a whole other set of problems. 1) I learnt how to eat with the Lapband – no I am not just repeating myself; and 2) I also picked up a few pad habits (namely ice cream/frozen yogurt and chocolate) along the way. I have a restrictive band (so I eat WAY less than I used to) but I have learned how to eat with it which means I learned how to eat more AND eat some of the things I couldn’t before. As such,  I plateau-ed way sooner than I thought possible.

So where did that leave me? It left me with the realization that I had to Google healthy meal plans. This in turn got me on this whole Real Food school of thought. I won't go into all they whys and wherefores but let's just say that if you are on FB with me, I am sure you have had a few snapshots and Status Updates about this. The more I discovered the more I became committed to this. And honestly? It wasn't a big a step from the "healthy eating" that I started 7 years ago when I had my first child. It's just been the natural progression of everything I have been working towards, without knowing what I was working towards. So now I am making über healthy lunches for my kiddo (the one at school) and trying to make meals from scratch instead of buying pre-made versions. I am slowly inching my way towards whole, everything (flour, oats, grains, etc…). As I am working towards accomplishing all these crazy lifestyle changes for my family and I, I stumbled upon this Love Your Greens 30 Day Challenge by the folks at Unconventional Kitchen (http://www.unconventionalkitchen.com). Again, if you have read any of my blog posts, you know that I have a smoothie almost every morning. So why not try to make it better? And so we took up the challenge! I have been making green smoothies for over two weeks and the kiddos LOVE them. They beg for them. I put spinach, kale, avocado… all sorts of amazingly good stuff in them and they are begging to have it. AMAZING!

Well, I just marvel at all of it. First off, slight tangent here, but I swear that by drinking these green smoothies I have reduced my appetite. Which is fabulous because when I thought to myself that I needed to get back to the healthier eating, I was also thinking I needed to have another fill. And frankly, that is slightly discouraging and exhausting all rolled into one. Secondly, I can't believe how much my eating habits have changed. Two years ago I was so proud of how much my eating habits had improved/changed, but when I look back it was nothing. Now? Well, I am not saying green smoothies are the solution to all your problems, but not only has my appetite been reduced, I haven't had the urge to buy any chocolate. Don’t get me wrong, I still eat ice-cream on occasion and I had a Chocolate Java Chip Frappuccino this afternoon, but I haven't wanted to buy a piece of chocolate in quite some time. Another impressive change is my kiddos. Now I already think they are amazing for eating all the strange and wonderful foods I serve them, but tonight after dinner my kids asked if there was any desert (as all kids are want to do). I asked them if they wanted green ice-cream and they said yes. I whipped up what essentially consists of frozen bananas and spinach and the LOVED it.  I love seeing them grow up thinking that vegetables are brilliant and McDonalds is disgusting. It's soooo amazing to me. So different from what I grew up thinking. 

I remember when I was first pregnant having this huge panic and fear that my kids would end up overweight and suffer like I have. Again, don't get me wrong. I have had a great life and don't think I have missed out on too much, but being fluffy is not the best or easiest path. And I was worried. I still am. But my kids have such a hugely different view of food than I did, that I have to be encouraged. I can only hope that we teach them well and that they go off to lead healthy lives. Sorry, another tangent. 

Things are changing. I am changing. I am constantly striving to do better and actually accomplish the weight loss that I have set out to achieve but that leaves me constantly thinking about food. Non-stop. What can I eat that won't cause me to block, that will be healthy, that isn't too processed? How do I organize my meals? What will I make? What do I make for my kiddo's lunch? Food, food, food. Always food. I somehow thought I would stop obsessing about food when I started this journey, but the reality is that if I do I will gain weight. I still have to obsess, just in a different way. Sometimes, it's just too much. Sometimes, I just want a steak. Or a Harvey's hamburger. Or just not have to think about the next thing I will eat. But then again, look what I have achieved. 

Weight loss?

So nothing new. I haven't blogged in a while, but nothing has changed. I haven't lost weight. Since last we spoke, I tried a new medication for my insulin resistance. It made me sick (upset stomach, etc) but did not cause weight loss as promised. I stuck it out for over two month, with no results. Oh well.

I have been watching my friend Dawn go to the Gym 3-4 per week and work out with a personal trainer. I can't tell you how amazing she looks. Over the last year or so, she has completely transformed herself. She has worked her ass off, literally! It's a whole lot of work, and I know that. So why don't I lose weight? Oh, I have a ton of excuses. I work full-time, I am the mother of two young children, I work almost full-time doing photography, I am taking a photography course AND I attempt to have a life while trying to be a professional, a mother, a wife, a friend, a student, start my own business, and everything else. Even with all that, I still manage 30 mins on the treadmill 3 to 4 times a week.

But let's be honest, despite all that, the fact of the matter remains that I have officially had this band long enough to have found the loop holes.

Victory/Problem # 1: I have learned how to eat with the lapband. What does that mean? I can eat starch again. Ok, only certain times of the month, and it has to be the last thing I eat AND I have to eat it super slowly, but I can. 1 year ago, I couldn't have. This is also true for a lot of foods that had completely dropped off the radar for a while. Now, they are back. I don't feel the food is as healthy as it was.

Problem # 2: I don't feel like it. I don't want to put in all the work I was putting in 1.5 years ago. I'm tired of eating what I eat and I can't find new food. I find tons of things to eat in the restaurant, but these are not things I am going to make for dinner when I get home at 5-5:15 in the evening and still have to try to feed my kids, do dishes/lunches/homework/baths/photography/appointments etc... So now what?

Victory/Problem #3: easiest, most preferred food? Cooked vegetables. But I like them seasoned, in a recipe. Not just "throw some rapini in a pot of boiling water et voila!". And damn if I can find some good recipes. Sigh.

Problem #4 (and lets be honest, the BIGGEST problem here): I have learned to cheat the system. What does that mean? If I am hungry and don't have time for a 40 minute lunch, or need to nibble on something to make it to the next meal? I pick an easy food. What's an easy food? Chocolate, ice-cream, chocolate, a coke for the quick sugar high. Bad, bad, bad. I am eating WAY too much chocolate. I even know it. Do I stop? No.

How am I ever going to be successful? I want this, but I apparently can 't even be bothered to make the effort. AHHHHH!!! Ok. I don't really know what else to tell you. I think I need a MD appointment. And possibly another night out with Dawn.

Moriah FAIL

Whatever. Dr. B says that I shouldn't self flagellate, but let's be honest I have not lost weight in FOREVER! On the bright side, I did not cancel my appointment with Dr. B this am, I went and was honest. Damn you, honesty!!!

Ok, I am done. Let's try this again. Fact, I haven't lost weight in forever! Bright side? I haven't gained anything back. Apparently that's a really big (no pun intended!) accomplishment. I have been unsuccessfully plodding along for the last few months, and at my last appointment Dr. B decided to put me on metformin (or something like that). He believes that I am insulin resistant (NO, I do NOT have diabetes). At the time (roughly 6 weeks ago), I was exercising (30 mins a day on the treadmill, 5 times a week) and eating reasonably well. Since then, life has happened to me. I have been stressed and well, all sorts of fun things, and out went the exercise, and in came the chocolate. So here I sit with a total weight loss of 60 lbs. How depressing. And what does he say to me? At least you haven't gained any back? You have just been hovering at this weight this WHOLE time??? Fine. Small victories. But this one sucks. And look, I am failing at weightloss WITH a surgery. Siiiiiiigghhhhhh! I know, I am not suppose to look at it that way, but I can't help it.

Right, pity party over. Mostly. Honestly, I can't make any promises. I might slip right back into that party... but for now, here is the revised plan. Dr. B made me commit to two things. Food diary: write down everything that you put in your mouth (eeewww gross Ginger! Stop it!) and commit to getting back on the treadmill. Dr. B, had me commit to starting with 20 mins four times this week and increasing back up to 30 mins 5 times a week.

Day one? I have written everything down for the day (except the two cheetos I just ate - and god knows I want to consume the rest of the bag, but won't) and just finished my 20 mins on the treadmill.

That's right treadmill! Moriah vs. the Treadmill is baaaaaack! and I refuse to lose this time.

Side bar of motivation: I went to Sudbury for the weekend for a family function. I saw my fabulous cousins, aunts and uncles. Some of whom I hadn't seen in forever. It was wonderful. So we are at my cousin's house for the evening (she graciously opened her home to the whole family) and I was chatting with her sister. I asked my cousin why her sister did not eat cheese and she says to me: "Do you see that ass?" and I answer: "Yes." (might I just point out that this woman has a spectacular body, but she works incredibly hard to maintain it). To which she replies: "That's why". She also follows that up with something that really struck me. She said: "It's all about discipline". Which, I know. I mean duh, of course it's all about discipline, but it really struck me right then and there. Nobody gets a body like that without intense work. So if I want anything even remotely close to that, heck just anything better than what I have, I will have to work my ... ass off.

Anyways, once again I am psyching myself up. I will do this. I will continue to be successful. OMG I have officially lost it. I am doing positive affirmations in a fucking blog! God I need to lose weight ASAP!!! I am doing POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS in a BLOG!!!

Give me strength. And while we are at it, willpower. Ok, that's all for now...

Wow, I am such a liar! I thought I would take a picture of me today. Let's see what I can do. What changes I bring about over the next little while.

It's 50 degrees outside, so I must be exercising!

Well it's been a while since I last posted. I worry about repeating myself and not having anything to say, but...

Since last we spoke, I bought a new wardrobe 'cause I was heading off to Italy! While doing so, I bought my size 18 clothing article! It has begun. I took a whole bunch of pictures so I could show you, then never posted them (ok, only 4 outfits). So here they are:

The one with the yellow shirt... size 18 jeans. Yeah, that's right. Anyways, as I was saying, since last we spoke... I actually went to Italy, the land of milk and honey. Ok, not milk and honey, gelato and wine (more specifically Presecco). Which is essentially what I consumed (and survived off of) while I was there. I learnt that heat and my body are not friends. I swell (inside) and it prevents me from being able to eat real food; especially in a country where they don't believe in vegetables and only eat pasta and bread products (namely pizza). If you are just tuning in to this show, Moriah post lap-band and starches do NOT get along. They are a recipe for blocking and subsequently puking. So gelato and wine it was! When I got back, I had lost 2 lbs!!! But that last all of 3 days or something like that. I then gained 6 lbs immediately! What was that??? I actually don't know. I have been shopping since I came back, and I have fit into other pants that were a size 18. Not all size 18, mind you, but a few. So i think it might be water retention. But I will just go back to "who knows".

What else...hmm. Oh yes. I seem to be a sucker for punishment. But you probably already knew that, didn't you? As you may recall, I bough a treadmill after Christmas, used it for a bit then got sick. Then there was a series of unfortunate... incidents. I was sick, I had gallstones, I had gallbladder surgery (it was removed), I had strepthroat, and I had bronchitis (which was diagnosed the day before I left for Italy). As you can imagine, the one thing I did not have was a robust, routine, exercise regiment (say that 10 times, fast). I am still slowly but surely loosing weight, so what do I care. YES I should be exercising. NO, I am not and perfectly happy about it. But someone at work decided to do a "Biggest Loser" contest at work. So I think, maybe I should join; this just might be the motivation I  need to take this to another level. However they also had a rule that excluded anyone who had had weight-loss surgery from participating... and yes I did feel slightly targeted by this. So my wonderful friend Kelly says, screw 'em! We will do our own "Biggest Loser". And I somehow think this is a good thing. Now, so far nothing about this story is terribly scary, right? But what you don't know is that our Program Assistant (who happens to be this beautiful, slim, great dressing, YOUNG woman) thinks that this is a great idea. She has been wanting to get "moving", and has been needing motivation too. Again, doesn't seem horrible, but you haven't met her. She is TERRIFYING. I will post a picture. You will see!!! Anyways, she jumps on the bandwagon and next thing I know, Michelle and I have decided to walk together 3 times a week at lunch - 30 minute walks. Oh, did I mention that Kelly is no where to be seen? Yeah that's right. Brilliant idea, zero participation. Anyways, so today, when it was 38 degrees out (with the humidex), Michelle is all like "let's do this" and "I am getting changed now"! So I begrudgingly got ready. She shows up in a full on workout outfit! I only changed my t-shirt and put some sneakers on... I should have realized at that point that I was in trouble. Off we go. We walk from my building to Wellington, then veer off and following this weird little street down towards the river, but don't actually find the river. Then there are these stairs in the woods and down we go, only to pop out on the path by the river. Eureka! Michelle is happy. If Michelle is happy, we're all happy, so there we go. My only stipulation is "Just no stairs, ok Michelle". We follow the path towards the market, and I am getting nervous. I mean, all I can see is this GINORMOUS wall-like hillside and a river. I am getting slightly nervous that there will be no escaping stairs. Onward we meander, when we find ourselves at the locks. Oh, how loverly. NOT. This means a serious climb up a lovely incline to get back up to street level and I am feeling slightly pooped. So with the subtlety of a cow stampede, I suggest that we take this opportunity to enjoy the beauty of the locks. Michelle is all for it... so she slows the pace. No stopping. We make it to the top of this loverly incline, only to be confronted by a shitload of stairs. I start to cry. Inside. Where it counts. Michelle? She powers on. Apparently we don't believe in breathers - or stopping. Ever. I climb the stairs and by the time I reach the top, I can't make my lungs breath in enough air to supply the oxygen my body needs. I start to panic slightly (I haven't brought my asthma pump and it is incredibly humid outside). BUt I don't panic. I master it, and we walk on. There is no stopping. We slow down, but we don't stop. Eventually I am able to suck in the desperately needed gulps of air and realize that I am now able to ever so slightly increase the pace again. I want you to know that I made it back to the building but just barely. I want to tell you that it seems I only really get into exercise when it's fifty bazillion degrees outside (for the next few days it is supposed to be 44 and 42 degrees with the humidity). I tried to tell Michelle that we would only go twice this week, ease into it as it's our first week, and she told me she was not happy (I pointed out that she could walk without me as well). But all that said, I am back into exercise, and the only way I know it's for real? I just came back from shopping. I just bought some capri yoga pants and a couple of t-shirts to walk in. I can't even express to you how sweaty I was.

At this point in time, I would love to be able to keep on telling you stories of the last 3 months. My revelations and adventures, but I really did injure something in my inner thigh (possibly groin area) and need to go stretch it out. I also need to go build up some strength. Michelle wants to walk again. Tomorrow. I definitely need to show you her picture.

Until the next time, mes amis!

Two weeks later

Two weeks ago I had my first fill in the last year. How did that work out you may wonder? Well for the first week I wasn't even sure he had filled me. I could still eat about the same amount I was eating pre-fill, maybe a smidge less. Nothing changed, all is well, the worst side effect I suffered was that my protein shake and grande latte that morning made me fell quite full. What the heck is going on? Did he do anything? Did I pay $50 to not have anything done? Weird. This was definitely weird.

Then my period finished, and everything changed. It was weird, one day I can eat like I have been the last few months, the next day I am blocking at every solid meal I consume. I went roughly 36 hours without any real food, because I blocked and threw-up my dinner, had my protein shake and coffee, then blocked and threw up my lunch. By dinner I thought I was going to die. Ok, maybe not die, but I was exhausted and my head was pounding so badly I couldn't even see straight, let alone think. I managed to get soup in without any issues and as I was eating I could feel myself getting better. My body was definetly pissed about the lack of nutrition. Suddenly I can feel the fill; the restriction is there. My portions have decreased, and eating meals is back to a minimum 45 minute endeavor (if I don't want to block), and best of all, I am loosing weight. Actually watching as the numbers go down on my scale!!! Ok, I should be so excited about that; it's not about the numbers but how your clothes is fitting, right? Whateves! The numbers are moving!!!

Well that is it for now. I am eating slowly, cautiously and loosing weight. What more can a girl ask for?

I will post pictures soon as the last photo is like, 4 or 5 months old.

I'm full...

Literally, well maybe not literally, but I did get my first fill this morning in a year. Last time I got a fill? March 7, 2011. Weird, right? It just worked out that way. I would have done it last appointment, but I had to cancel the last appointment due to a sudden and unforeseen trip to VEGAS!! Now that's good times, but not the reason for the story.

I survived dinner. I feel like I should have some kind of support group, like an alcoholic or something for this kind of event. "Hello, my name is Moriah and I survived dinner."

It all goes back to finally committing to getting a fill done. I set a date and excitedly await it's arrival. I know that I need something. Weight loss has come to a serious crawl. And though my MD says that I need both exercise and diet, the exercise is not going super well (damn gallstones!).  I am psyched for this fill, but ever so slightly afraid. The last time I had a fill, it took me almost 8 months to adjust and almost a full year to make it to a point where I can eat almost normally; well the new normal for me anyways. So needless to say I was slightly...nervous. But then my fabulous cousin calls me and says she will be in town and we make dinner plans. Guess what night we make plans for??? Anyone? Yes, that's right. The evening of the day I have my adjustment. Let me just say that I was searching for a restaurant that had amazing soups AND great food. Challenging at best, btw.

So I manage to spend the day without blocking. I have a protein shake for breaky, followed by my am coffee, only I realize that I can't drink them so closely together now (cause I am freakin' full). I have a yop around 11 and 1/2 a can of pea soup for lunch. Super exciting part about lunch? I manage to eat 5 soda crackers while eating my soup!!! Unheard of! So I am feeling confident about my upcoming dinner. But, let's be honest. I haven't really tested myself yet; I haven't even managed to eat a solid thing yet. 

Restaurant time. Jules and I meet up, solve world hunger AND manage to have a great dinner. Best part about dinner? I didn't puke!!! Saddest, but totes ok, part about dinner? Took me an hour to eat two crab cakes and a scallop (thanks for sharing Chris). Ok, best part #2 about dinner? Bill came to just over $16! LOL!!! Seriously, if you want to lose weight and save money, just get the lap band! It's multipurposed.


I definetely have not found the answer. I need to be careful. Take my time when I eat, or suffer the consequences. Hopefully I survive tomorrow, as I am having leftover spaghetti (Guy and the girls had it for dinner).







Things I want to mention:

• For the first time in... well years, I weigh less than my husband!
• I am once again excited and hopeful about this whole thing - I just might begin to lose weight with some... speed?
• I really need to write down my questions for the MD (as I still have no idea if it's normal to get random pain where my port is located - I am guessing it's because I am losing weight and my body is changing, but honestly? Who knows).

Thoughts? Comments? You know where to find me...

The treadmill and I - A girl's story.

Well, still working on my chocolate issues. I have made the decision not to buy chocolate. So far so good. I think I have gone 3 or four days now. Can't remember exactly. It came close yesterday, it was 7, I hadn't had dinner and we walked by the cutest Aero egg ever! It sooooo wanted me to purchase and consume it. I had it in my hand, walked it to the cash... but at the very last minute left it. All because the hubby was strong and didn't want one either. YAY for hubbies! I should mention that this does not mean that I have not eaten chocolate. There may be a bit of chocolate lying around the house (but not much, trust me!).

I would like to mention that I have not kept a food journal since my last post. I keep intending to do this, but never seem to get around to it. I will endeavor to do so. I have booked an appointment for March 5 to have an fill done, so I would like to go in armed with some good intel.

As for exercise, well what can I say. I was doing pretty good before my Vegas trip (we left Jan 29 and came back Feb 2). While in Vegas, I walked so much I lost weight (only 3 lbs but still!!!). However, I have been fighting this cold that has been hanging out in my lungs since before Christmas. And the week we got back from Vegas, my brand new hacking cough really came out to play. I could barely breath without coughing let alone workout. So I have been out of commission since then. I am still coughing, but soooo much better. I was telling the hubby that I felt a lot better and would get back to it this week, but I didn't quite manage. I was still coughing quite a bit and super busy. However, this evening I came downstairs and was getting ready to get all comfy on the couch when it hit me that tonight I had time to get back to it! I went back upstairs and preemptively dosed up the Ventolin. Back downstairs, turned on Gray's and started walking. I wasn't able to go as fast as the program so I slowed down a tiny bit after 10 mins and managed a 20 minute walk. I'm back!

Lastly, I finally have an appointment to see a surgeon re the gallstones (Feb 24)!!! FINALLY! The week I came back from Vegas I had 5 attacks in 7 days. I was exhausted and sore. I even went to see my family MD to get pain killers for any future attacks, and got some good shit. Just haven't had a big enough attack to use it. Sigh. Freakin' stones. Can you believe that I got these BECAUSE I am eating healthily and losing weight? I mean where is the incentive to change your lifestyle and do better? Oh, I know. How about you get healthy start eating right, exercising and lose weight for health reasons (or whatever) and then you can get all sorts of really crappy side effects! I mean I can handle the perpetually cold feeling (I love layering, it really is a side effect that works with fashion), but the massive hair loss and then the gallstones. Come on!

Anyways, that is where I am at for now. Oh, totally bored with food, but still trudging along. I try to stay positive but it is hard sometimes. I feel like nothing is happening, that I am at a stand still, and then some fabulous person will tell me how I look like I've lost weight. God bless you for that. And the hubby is constantly marveling at how small my clothes has gotten. I think that's great, but ironic. My clothes is tiny, but you could probably still fit two if not three people my sister's size in my jeans. Can't win them all I guess. Gotta play the long game right?

BTW, if you have any suggestions for great recipes, please send them my way. Have to be super healthy and can't involve beef (unless ground) or pork. I have rediscovered a love of stirfry; cooked veggies are the best. Oooo, I will post an updated pictures next time (I'll take it before my next adjustment) so we can see if the adjustment makes a difference.

TTFN.