I have decided to keep a food diary until I see my md next. I mean, aside from the glaringly obvious chocolate addiction/issues I have, I am wondering how far I have strayed from when I was successfully loosing weight. I am mostly maintaining at a specific number. Is it because I am now exercising... well maybe but honestly, I haven't really moved weight wise in a couple of months and before that it was a couple pounds here and there. I need something more. I don't know my portion sizes any more (they are a lot smaller then when I started, but are they too big or normal or too small?) and I don't really know if I am eating more starch than I was. As I have mentioned a few times now, I need an adjustment. However, I think I am a little wary of that since the last one (which I had almost a year ago). It was a long and difficult adjustment and I am nervous.
I mean I can no longer enjoy a lot of foods I once did (I price I am more than willing to pay), but how much more can I cut out? I often eat chocolate, not only because I absolutely love it, but because I know it will go down without any issue and give me a little energy boost.
I guess I have a laundry list of things I need to ask my MD.
Should I get an adjustment?
Is it normal to have pain at my port site? What is the cause?
How am I progressing ? Am I on track?
How can I loose more weight?
What else? There were so many questions that I thought of and then forgot. Sigh.
As I have said many times, I think it would be nice to have a program just for us lap-band patients. This is a struggle, and it is made even more difficult by the lack of support. A dietitian, a support group, an exercise specialist maybe? I don't know, what does this type of program normally have?
There is no reference point for me and I struggle with that.
I remember when this all started and they told us (at the info session provided pre-surgery) that this was a slow process and that although gastric by-pass patients had the majority of their success in the first 18 mo, that lap-band patients took 3 years to achieve the same overall weight-loss. I know that I thought that that was fine and that that was what I wanted. You know, the slow healthy, life-style changing approach. But I have to admit that deep down, I thought I would be the exception to the rule. Just look at my old posts. At one point I hoped to have lost 100lbs by year one... and that was me trying to be realistic. Here I sit, still at 65lbs. My doctor is constantly telling me not to look at the number. It isn't real. But it's all I have. It's all I've accomplished.
It feels like so much and so little at the same time. Look at me:
- I'm traveling and fitting into the airplane seat and seat-belt (YAY!)
- I'm haven't lost more than 65lbs
- I am down from a size 26 to a size 20
- That hasn't changed in quite a few months
- I can walk faster and much further/longer than I could have a year ago
- My bra size has shrunk *sob* (not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing)
- I have always prided myself on not having flabby, flappy skin - well I do now. It's wrinkly and creepy and gross... and I am not even close to done.
- I can't even tell people my starting weight (out loud or written)
- I'm still terrified of failing... at a surgical procedure for weight-loss
- Sometimes I look at myself and feel like a million dollars (look at how small I am!)!
- Sometimes I look at myself and think: God, you lost 65 lbs and your still fat!
I have no idea where to go with this. I don't think I have a positive "Yay, everything will work out" for you today.
I also need to mention that I miss steak, hamburgers (with a bun), sandwiches and french fries. Try finding food you can eat when traveling. It's near impossible! I am reduced to coffee breakfasts and if I'm lucky some fatty pastry such as a croissant for breakfast (as everything else is hard to find), pizza (blah) or something equally easy for lunch, if I'm feeling lucky a hamburger for dinner. But I usually end up with appetizers. It rather challenging eating much of anything else without risking blocking. ON the up side I don't gain weight on vaca, on the down side, I can't go to a restaurant without checking where the washrooms are.
"Hello, Moriah. This is your life!" I needed a little Sesame Street moment there.
Some of you may be curious about the exercise/treadmill progress. Well I have made it up to 20 mins per and a minimum of 3 times per week. However, two things have affected my regiment recently: (1) I have a cold that causes me to hack up a long when I breath, talk or any such activity, (2) I went to Vegas for a week. On the bright side of things, I walked everywhere, for hours, non-stop while in Vegas (feeling like I still got in my exercise). On the down side, I don't think the treadmill and I will be spending quality time together anytime soon (next week for sure - I have to be able to breath without hacking up a long).
And on that note, that's it for me.
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